Today sucked. Plain and simple.

I should have known by the fact that my father called my house at 4am. When I answered out of a dead sleep, he asked if he woke me up. I said, Yes... it's 4am. He then laughed and said he dialed the wrong number and that he'd been messing with the remote. We said goodbye and hung up.

Then I called my mom at 8am like I always do and she is upset. She said that Dad blocked her in the kitchen and beat her down. I said I didn't know what to do... and she didn't either. I asked if she wanted to come to my house for the day. She said no. She said their televisions weren't working and I said that my husband could stop after work and she went on about how she didn't think she'd be alive by 4pm and that Dad was going to kill her. She said that they were up all night and he was complaining of pain so she gave him a pain pill at 4am and fed him a peanut butter sandwhich and he was happy. Then she made me talk to him.

I asked him what was going on and he said that she's always yelling at him and blaming him for things. She was in the background calling him a liar and he was yelling back at her. I told him that she says the same thing and he laughed and asked why she's like that. I told him it's because of her Alzheimers. He said that was bullshit. He said that he refused to believe it. I told him that she sees a neurologist and has been diagnosed with it. He said he'd back off then. There were more things said and I got upset and started crying. He told me to stop yelling at him and I said I wasn't... that I was crying and upset. I told him that the two of them need to move to some kind of assisted living situation where they can get professional help. I told him that they don't take care of each other and obviously can't take care of themselves and maybe it's time to move out of the house. I told him that the whole situation tears me up every night and that this isn't the life I envisioned for them me, me or my son.

Just to clarify... My father does NOT beat my mother. I have learned to take her stories with a grain of salt... she tends to blow things out of proportion and takes things the wrong way. He's always been kind of rough but in a he never really knew his own strength kind of way. He could pinch your shoulder playfully and it would really hurt... but he's never laid a hand on anyone.

My guess is that they misunderstood each other. Yes my mother can be relentless. Yes my dad can be stubborn. Both of them have health issues and mental issues and can't hear well. Add in the fact that they didn't get a lot of sleep and it was bound to blow up.

But the repercussions are inevitable. It is DEFINITELY time to start looking into some kind of assisted living for them. The only problem is getting the ball rolling and getting everyone on board. My dad refuses to get rid of his truck and tractor. I get it. I get the independence thing... but enough is enough.

The hopes and dreams I had for my son are shattered in regards to family. I always saw my parents playing with my kids. Baking cookies. Having sleepovers. My dad driving them on the tractor. Playing card games with them. Sullivan will never have that and it breaks my heart. In addition to that... my brother has kind of thrown us all aside in favor of his in-laws. They are younger and have money to do things. My family doesn't and in tossing my parents aside, he's tossed me and my son aside. And that breaks my heart too. My family is small to begin with and I feel like my son is losing all of it. He won't have family to tell him stories about his Mimi and PawPaw or his mommy. He won't have someone to look through family photos with him.

I feel alone.

I feel like my heart is literally breaking as I type this and think about it.

I have been crying on and off all day long. My head has been hurting since I got up and I have been emotional eating. Which is frustrating. I tried to "walk" during munchkins nap, but I didn't have it in me. I managed a mile and that was it and I was disappointed with myself.

But sometimes... the best thing you can do for yourself is just rest and be as still as possible. After all the drama and trauma of the past 24 hours, dealing with a migraine and crying all day... I just needed the rest.

Tomrrow is a new day and I strive to not let these things get the best of me. I will strive to take care of myself because if I don't... I won't be able to take care of anyone else. I won't be able to be strong enough to go through this.

"... You're an overcomer, stay in the fight till the final round. You're not going under, Cause God is holding you right now. You might be down for a moment, feeling like it's hopeless. That's when He reminds you, that you're an overcomer..." (Mandisa)

I love this song for so many reasons: 1) It's upbeat. 2) It has a GREAT message. 3) It's empowering. 4) It's awesome for blasting in the car and singing along to... 5) IT'S TRUTH.

This song fires me up and makes me excited. It reminds me that even though I might be struggling at the moment... that eventually, like everything else, this will pass. It reminds me that I am stronger than I believe myself to be and I can be stronger, bigger and better than my situation. It also reminds me that, even though I might feel alone, I am not. 

And I feel alone a lot of the time in this struggle. Of course, I have friends who support me and kick my ass along the way... but at the end of the day when they've gone to bed... It's just me. Alone with my thoughts. Alone with my demons and my negativity. I can't count on people to be there 24/7. I have to pull up my big girl panties and face the world on my own. But the support, encouragement and love that I recieve and I know is there... helps me get through it.

Last night at weigh in I gained 0.4 lbs. But you know what? I'm okay with it. It means I am doing something right because since January 1st... I haven't gained a full pound. I gained 0.6 total. Before, I would have gained a pound or over... so I MUST be doing something right.

I definitely have the exercise part figured out. I average about 3-5 miles a day (Kind of awesome when before I was averaging 2...). The end of January I walked 72 1/2 (out of 720) miles and I am still going strong. I find that even on the days I struggle, I still bust out a good amount of miles. Last week was a personal best at 19 1/2. I've done 20 in one week (May 2017) but I will get there again. I am most certainly on the right track.

My struggle lies with food. Good, old, wonderful, horrible, evil FOOD. I struggle to find the right amounts of stuff and not giving in to candy. No one saw me eat that mini snickers bar so it's okay to have another. I am putting a scoop of nutella (unmeasured, mind you!) into my yogurt buuuuut a little extra spoonful straight into my mouth is OK... No one saw it. It doesn't count.

Ahh but, my love, it does.

This is my goal now. To recommit to tracking. Measuring. Weighing. I KNOW I can be successful if I put the effort into it and really try. I've done really well on it. I need to readopt my attitude of ONE DAY AT A TIME. Instead of worrying about what I'm going to do TOMORROW to be successful, I need to worry about today and the next meal. It's worked with my miles, so why wouldn't it work with my food.

A big issue is that I think about it ALL THE TIME. Constantly. I think about what I'm going to eat for dinner and whether I'll have enough points to eat what I want for dinner. Whether that mini twix bar is really going to break the bank (and news flash... YES it will!). 

And I need to remember that I am only human and I am going to make mistakes and mess up. I am going to have days where it's just too hard and I mess up royally. I am going to have moments that the twix bars will win and the salad will lose. But I need to remember that I am truly trying. That I am doing my best. That I am learning.

I need to remind myself that I am an overcomer and I will beat this. 

And so will you.

Failure keeps you humble...
    Success keeps you glowing...
         But only FAITH and DETERMINATION keep you going.

It's been a while since I've written here and well... while I once used to be really good at journaling and blogging... life has held me captive. I'm going to try to be better but don't expect posts every day. Or rather... just be prepared. Some days I might post more than once and other times you might not hear from me for weeks.

But I'm still here.

I was lucky enough to drop from 330 (I forget the exact amount) to 301 by the end of fall 2017. Unfortunately... I let myself go. I jumped back to 333 by the beginning of the year.

But, my peeps, I am trying. I am really motivated and dedicated to do better this year.

I was challenged to walk 720 miles this year. I started with an average of 2 miles a day and then upped it to 3. Then before I knew it... I was going between 4 and 5 daily. I usually take one day of rest (sometimes more depending on what's going on) but I am really focused.

Life has become stressful. My little guy is almost 3 and a half and he is a little spitfire. Full of energy and talking up a storm. Oh... and potty trained. Thank the Lord!

We recieved a new Pastor at church and it feels like home again. He is fun and full of life and makes worship enjoyable again. I can relate to his teachings and I am so excited to grow spiritually.

My parents health is ailing. My dad is in his late 70's and had cellulitis this summer. He had 2 toes amputed but has a whole host of other issues. My mother was diagnosed with Alzheimers almost a year ago. She holds on pretty well but I can tell that she's in a decline. They don't get along and I am working on taking Durable Power of Attorney over them. It's been a whirlwind.

I am turning 35 this summer and my hopes of becoming pregnant are fading. My husband and I refuse to do any testing (we can't afford it and I'm more into... if it'll happen, it'll happen) and I haven't been pregnant in 2 years when I had my last miscarriage. I don't know if my weight plays a factor since I've been pregnant 3 times total... but hopefully losing this weight will help. But like I said... I'm giving it to God. I have my one rainbow baby and if he's all I get in this life... I'm fine with it. I just can't shake the feeling that someone is missing from our family.

Anyway.. I have to make some dinner... I'll check back in soon. Love you all! <3 p="">

The past few weeks have been a struggle. I'd like to say this is easy... but it's not and never will be. The previous week I had to take my dad to the hospital for a doctor's appointment... So there went a workout. Then I felt sick to my stomach. There went another work out. This week... This week I wanted to eat everything in sight... and I'm pretty sure I did.

I'm so disappointed in myself.

But... I am trying to use this as a learning experience. There is a possibility that I might miss my weigh-in this week. We are expected to get a whopping 6 - 10 inches of heavy wet snow tomorrow into tuesday... and who knows what will happen tuesday.

The week is not a total loss... as I still have tomorrow and tuesday to redeem myself and I am going to try my hardest. Workouts will be completed and water will be drunk.

At least... as hard as it's been... I have NOT succumbed to soda. And that is something I am proud of. Now if I could just get the damn chocolate out of the house... I'd be happy.

Failure Will Never Overtake Me ...

... If My Determination To Succeed Is Strong Enough.

Five days of workout completed.

You know that awkward feeling you get when you step off the treadmill but you feel like you're still moving? Yeah... I got that without the treadmill. It was kind of a good feeling, honestly. Since today is Friday, and the last workout of the week, I pushed myself to run harder.

Something that kind of bothered me yesterday, that I meant to write about but forgot, was that I was complaining to a friend about how some days I feel like I don't have time for anything. Dishes need washed. Little guy needs taken care of. The dog needs let out. The living room/kitchen is STILL a mess. The carpets need vacuumed. So on and so forth. She told me to let some things go and make time. She told me to skip my workout and use nap time as a time to get things done. I know she doesn't really understand that my workout IS me time. It's the time that I better myself and let go of a lot of my hurts and guilt. It allows me an hour to focus on just me and to make myself feel better. Like I said, I know she doesn't understand so I wasn't really THAT mad... but it's just kind of frustrating. I've given up a LOT to be a SAHM (and please don't think I regret any of it for a minute!) but if I don't take care of me, how can I take care of my family? My future family? So no... unfortunately (or fortunately) my workout doesn't get skipped, unless something happens and it's an absolute necessity. Sometimes, my workout is the only thing keeping me going.

Onward we go!

Have a great weekend!

Your Mind Is A Powerful Thing

When you fill it with positive thoughts -- your life will start to change.

I decided I kind of liked doing my own walking thing... So that's what I did. I put on an hour long show... walked/marched during the program and jogged/ran during the commercials. I got in 9,000 steps by the end (partly cause I went shopping and was walking all over the store) and had 4.21 miles down.

It's only the first week... So I hope I can keep it up the rest of the year!

That Broken Thing You Keep Trying To Put Back Together...

...Can't Even Compare With That Beautiful Thing That's Waiting To Be Built.

What do you do when you really want to get your 3 miles in using your walking video, but it's windy as heck and the internet goes down? You put on episodes of Dawson's Creek and Beverly Hills 90210... and during the show, you walk. During the commercials, you run/jog/power walk around your house, using your toddler's toys as hurdles.

Last night was the first official weigh-in of the new year and it's a fresh start. I made a promise to myself weeks ago that I was going to enjoy the holidays and if I gained, I gained... but I wasn't going to go over five pounds and that's what I ended up gaining... over 4 weeks. So I can't be super mad at myself... but now I'm ready to start over.

Starting Goal Weight: 310.8

Here we go....