Walk It Off

So after my ego boost at the Dr's office yesterday... I decided to treat myself to a new workout video. I feel kind of guilty because I could have gotten a TON online... but at the same time my internet doesn't always work (I live in NY and if a squirrel farts in Miami Beach... My internet goes out!) so it'll be a nice thing to fall back on. The only problem with getting videos on Youtube is that a lot aren't long enough. Maybe I just haven't looked enough...

I like to sweat. It makes me feel accomplished. It makes me feel like I'm getting a worthy workout and I think that's why I want videos that are longer than 20 minutes or 10 minutes. The shorter ones will be good for days I don't have a ton of time... or maybe as a mood booster. But we'll see.

I can't wait to start!

ps. I feel like most of my entries are bs entries. lol...

Six-Month Checkup

According to the doctor's scale... I lost 25 lbs in 6 months.

The doctor couldn't believe it. She asked what I had been doing and didn't believe me when I told her mostly walking and eating salads. She was super impressed. All my important numbers have actually normalized and are exceptional. She took me off of Fish Oil (for my Hypertension) but doesn't want to take me off the meds just yet. I am two numbers away from dropping to the next level of BMI.

I asked, just out of curiosity, what the ultimate weight would be for me. She didn't really give me an answer... which is okay but kind of frustrating at the same time. She just wants me to keep going the pace I'm going. She also suggested that I keep a journal and just write something positive. Like... my jeans were loose... so that when I hit rough patches I can look back and remember. She also suggested getting some workout videos for the winter months when it's nasty out. I have a couple but maybe I'll look around and see what else is out there.

I can't believe how floored she was by my progress. This was kind of the kick I needed to get back on track.

I am now 306.4 lbs.

OooHHHH!!! My TOPS rally was last month and I found out why my leader wanted me there so badly.

I was division winner for overall loss this year. (18.8)
I was 2nd place for Summer's Best. (16.2) (I actually got a charm for this!)
Then I got an award for even losing weight this year and for attending my first Rally.

Next year I kind of want to do the Baggy Clothes parade and wear my wedding dress. Not sure if it would be from my first wedding (Which would be HUGE on me) or the one from when I was 8 months pregnant. We'll see. :)

Accountability...

... Is the glue that ties commitment to... Results.

In my previous post I mentioned that I wasn't hoping for much in the way of a loss last night at weigh-in. I was right... but it wasn't as bad as I anticipated. I only gained 2.8 to bump me back up to 306.4 lbs. Chump... Change. I can lose that this week and MAYBE a little more.

I've been slacking on the walking for some time now. With the weather being cool and rainy, it's been hard to find motivation. Yesterday, Little Man and I walked 1.5 miles. He got to be pulled in the wagon, so i wonder if it was more of a work-out than before with the stroller. But he enjoyed it and I felt better.

I got $50 in spending money to get whatever I wanted. I chose to get a new pair of jammies and a new shirt. Both in 22/24. I tried the shirt on this morning and it's really tight. I hate how sizes are so off. The jammies fit comfy. Not too big but not tight either. It's so frustrating. Now I have to decide if I am going to keep the shirt until it fits or take it back and get another one or just take it back and be done. I have a lot of guilt when I buy myself something. I got half way home with my new purchase and I almost turned around to take them back. I started thinking about how my husband's birthday is coming up. How Christmas is coming. My dad's birthday. Little Man needs clothes.... We need money for groceries. On and On and On.

But anyway... On to a new week. :-) Hoping to do better this week and get back in control. I already know that Sunday we are having junk food... So I will be good up until and after so that I can have a "cheat" day... But I have already declared it a soda-free week. We'll see how long that lasts. :)

I admit that I have been struggling these past two weeks. I hate having to miss a meeting each month but I have committed to taking my Little Guy to Family Fun Night at the end of the month... Which happens to fall on Tuesdays at 6 p. 

His birthday party was last weekend and we had quite a bit of junk. I barely ate that day (mostly cause I was so busy setting up and mingling...) but I made up for it. The two bags of Chex Mix... Yeah I ate it. I tried to pawn off what I could on guests but they were unwilling. Some things we just tossed cause we knew we wouldn't eat them. I sent snacks to work with the Husband and made him take about 20 cupcakes to work... but then I ate the rest of them. 

I did walk this week past week with Munchkin while we could. Nothing too crazy but we got some good walks in. Yesterday, I put on a pair of jeans that I haven't worn in a LONG time and they were huge! I had to rig the zipper up with a key ring cause it tends to fall down, but I constantly pulling them up. Pretty soon I am going to be putting away the summer clothes and I think I am going to purge. I will be getting rid of a good part of my wardrobe... which makes me sad but excited. I asked my husband if I could get some new stuff next year. Definitely a new bathing suit.

Heading to the Apple Shed today with my family. Can't wait to get apples and make applesauce in the crock-pot. One of my faves! Not looking forward to weigh-in... but I can accept whatever the numbers and have no one to blame but myself!

Nothing to report lately. 

 One word of advice... Don't count on your shadow to give you an accurate representation of how big or how little you are. It often lies and plays games.

Lost 0.4 this week. Not a huge loss but better than a gain! 

She was unstoppable not because she did not have failures or doubts but because she continued on despite them... (Beau Taplin)

So last week I gained 4lbs and went back up to 309. I admit that I didn't do so well last week. I had several sodas, desserts, greasy burgers, pasta... I did do some walking but not nearly what I have been doing.

I wasn't expecting much last night at weigh-in but I was pleasantly surprised to learn I had lost 5lbs. I couldn't be biggest loser because I wasn't at the meeting last week... but I was happy nonetheless.

Little Man is sleeping, so I'm catching up on quiet things around the house. I turned the television on and am watching Roseanne. It's one of the episodes where Roseanne and Dan are dieting. They get rid of all the junk food and exercise more. At one point, Roseanne goes in the bathroom to take a hot bath and once the doors are closed, she pulls out a container of Pringles and sits in the tub eating them. How many times have I done that? No one is around to witness it so it doesn't count, right? I'm trying really hard to break that habit. If I buy a beef jerky stick at the store, I write it down. Sure... No one else sees it but it's still there.

My husband thinks my metabolism has finally kicked on and good grief, I hope so! I need all the help I can get on this journey! It kind of feels like it because I feel more full all the time and therefore eat less. I think I'm finally over my little slump and beginning to get back into things. I've decided not to keep track of the miles I walk but rather to make sure I get some kind of exercise in. I figure two miles a day is better than none!

I had the privilege of taking a mini-vacation with my boys this weekend. We drove out to the zoo and stayed in a hotel. It was a nice hotel, not five-star, but it wasn't shabby either. The bathroom had one of those full wall mirrors and right across from it was the shower. With all glass walls and sliding glass door. I forced myself to take a good long, hard look at what I looked like, full-length, as I was taking a shower the other day.

It maddened me.

Then it really saddened me.

Buried in all that fat and flubber is a little girl who never felt like she was good enough. Who never felt pretty enough. Who never felt smart enough or strong enough or funny enough. She was bullied and picked on. Made fun of by people who she was closest to and who she trusted.

She just wants to be loved.

So... To any of you who feel inferior... for ANY reason... I love you. I think you're beautiful. You have a purpose. You are worthy and I am glad you're here.

And... to the little girl inside me... we'll get there. We are in this together and we'll figure it out. We might have hit a small snag this past month, but we know what to do and how to do it. You hold my hand and I'll hold yours and we'll make it out of this. And all those scars and broken pieces of our heart... They are just proof that we've lived and they show others the fires we've been through... and survived.