If You Change Nothing... Nothing Will Change

Well... Hello there! I'm glad you are reading this! I think you are beautiful and priceless!

 

It's been a while... a long while... since I've even opened up my blog and wrote. I tried, once or twice, but I felt like I couldn't get anywhere and everything I felt like I was saying wasn't worth reading. In other words... it was just a bunch of babble.

 

But I am trying and I am making a fresh start.

 

I had my first baby this past September. I weighed a whopping 378 pounds by the time I delivered and my son was a ginormous 10lbs 12oz. I was tested for gestational diabetes but I did not have it.. however they feel that at the end it had reared it's ugly head. It felt like every week I weighed in I would always gain. THAT was frustrating. My back ached and I was pretty miserable. It hurt to walk into the kitchen or do dishes. I wanted to sucker punch my brother for constantly telling me to walk and get his nephew out. I ended up having a C-Section after three days of trying to jumpstart labor. My boy was just too comfortable... and stubborn. When I went in for the surgery, they had to give me an epidural... obviously... and it took three times. Three times! Three times being stabbed in the back! It was awful and even several days afterwards, I could feel the needle prick. OUCH! I was unable to see my son for almost 24 hours but it was so worth it! He was HUGE! Anyway... Moving along (Before I get all misty eyed and stuffy nosed...) at my 6 week check in... I had lost over 30lbs! No kidding! I was back to my pre-baby weight! If only taking off the rest of it would be that easy!

 

I am still a member of my local TOPS group and I still enjoy it. We have a competition going right now... We each wrote down how much we wanted to lose by the first week of April and I fear I may have been a little too ambitious. Instead of writing down something small.. like 10 lbs or even 5... I chose 20! TWENTY POUNDS! I am down almost 4 so far...

 

At first, it was easy not to eat. Still recovering from surgery, I tried to rest as much as possible. Plus I was breast-feeding. Now that I am no longer breast-feeding and my son is becoming more tolerant of being left alone for a few moments... I am left to my own devices. Most days, I have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich... or maybe a mini-pot pie for lunch. I don't drink nearly enough water and probably too much milk (2%).

 

I am hoping that by posting here and leaving it for the world to see then I will hold myself accountable. I mean... who wants to post for all the world to see that they are over 300lbs?? I don't... but I am going to.

 

I currently weigh 352.8lbs.

 

There... I said it.

 

Am I ashamed? You better believe it! But honestly, it's all I've ever known. I've always been big and I've gotten used to it. Actually comfortable. One of my fears is that... if I lose a ton of weight and look good... and people notice... I'm afraid I won't be able to handle their compliments or attention. I've always been the one to fade into the back and I've been okay with that. But now it's not just for me. It's for my son. I want to be healthy for him so I can chase him around the yard and not get winded at the park. I want to be able to walk up and down the road pushing his stroller and having fun with him.

 

This isn't going to be easy and I expect there will be a few setbacks here and there, but if I give it my all and really try then I will have nothing to be ashamed of.

 

All that being said... here are my goals for this week:

 

1. Drink THREE bottles of water a day! Can be more but definitely no less!

2. Write down EVERY THING I consume.

 

I hope that by next week I will have a good report for anyone who reads this. Encouraging comments are always welcome (No negativity please).

 

NO MORE negative body thoughts

NO MORE "I'll do it tomorrow"

NO MORE sitting and wishing for a thinner me

NO MORE eating when I am not hungry

NO MORE waiting for this to get easier

NO MORE muffin tops

NO MORE wobbly thighs

NO MORE soft round stomach

NO MORE "buts...."

NO MORE "I can't....."

NO MORE "it's too hard!"

NO MORE "I'm too tired."

NO MORE EXCUSES!