I must apologize for my previous post. It was too early in the morning and I'd barely gotten any sleep and was way too emotional.

To the person who commented on it... Thank you.

I went to the store today and bought myself a half gallon of fat-free milk so I would hopefully, stop drinking my parents whole milk. Sometimes it just tastes too good.

I'm about to seriously go over my points for today. I have a whopping 2 left for dinner and dessert... And I'm pretty sure I blew through all my extra points as well at some point this week. I guess for tomorrow I will just try to stay within my limit for the day and not go crazy. 

Falling off the wagon is so hard. At least for me. Most people have figured out how to brush off and start over. I just go into a downward spiral faster than I can scream. It's almost like I mess up thursday (the day my week starts over) and then it's like... I already messed up so I'll start over next week. I need to get out of this mindset. 

My parents went grocery shopping which left me home alone for a bit. A very rare treat for me! After I got mad at myself for sitting here eating potato chips and drinking a soda, I popped in Chris Powell's The Workout DVD and did level 1. 

Yeah, yeah. 15 minutes of low-impact workout. Seems easy? Ah-Ha! 

My legs literally feel like jello and my tummy feels tight. It feels good and I think it was just the boost that I needed. 

Just because I am on vacation this week doesn't mean, in any way, shape or form, that I can just simply give up. I refuse to give up.

Chris Powell has been an inspiration to me. His compassion and his huge caring heart for the people he works with just amazes me. He never belittles them or forces them to do anything, he encourages them to change and better themselves. What I wouldn't give to be on his show! I just need that person in my face, pushing me and encouraging me. 

I feel renewed and excited. I am breaking open my Temptation Jar this week for a trip to the Falls on friday with a friend. It won't give me much but it'll be something to help with the costs and a wonderful way to reward myself for not giving in to temptation these past few months. I can't wait! My friend and I are going to hike to the falls (it's only like a mile and half) and then spend the day on the beach and have a picnic... Which I am buying all the stuff so it's up to me what goes in the cooler! :-)

Anyway... I'm in a much better place right now than I was this morning. Thank you my loyal and faithful readers.

Much love and keep losing!

I'm not so sure what happened.

I was doing well. Tracking all my foods. Moving (maybe not working out per-se but moving nonetheless).

And then something inside me kind of snaps and I give up. Why are mondays so damn rough?

Honestly, I feel like I'm losing it. I start a new program or start over and I do really well for a while and then it's like I just quit. I bought four new workout dvd's and I haven't done a single one yet.

But that's partly because of my home-life.

I haven't been sleeping well lately and right now it's 6am and I'm so tired I can barely keep my eyes open. I just want to collapse into my pillow and cry. Something is really struggling inside me.

Some days I wish there was an easy fix to this. Some days I wish I could wake up and be 100lbs lighter. Some days... I wish I never let it get this bad.

I wish I had money for a personal trainer. Someone to come and push me. Make me do it. I wish I had the money to buy my own groceries so I could buy fresh fruits. I wish I had money to get my own place because I KNOW I would thrive.

Here.... Here I just sink.

Birthday Lunch With Jeffy.

For MY birthday, I told Jeff (my brother) he could take me to get my next tattoo. That was a no-go so I told him I'd buy him lunch. We chose Olive Garden.

Probably not the greatest choice... but honestly, I'm proud of myself.

First... I ordered two drinks. A Dr. Pepper and a Water. I was so happy that I drank the entire glass of water before I even touched the Dr. Pepper... So I didn't really want/need a refill.

I had the salad with little dressing on it... I always flip it upside down and get the leafy greens on the bottom. They are usually a little less drenched.

I had three breadsticks total.

For my entree... I chose the stuffed chicken marsala. It seems OG's plates have either gotten bigger... or their portions have been slashed.

I got two piece of chicken... probably 4oz a piece (judging by my palm) and not a whole lot of sauce. There was a half cup (Again... just judging) of garlic mashed potatoes... and they were delish! And I only ate ONE piece of chicken and patiently waited for the waitress to bring me a box for the other piece!

For dessert I caved and had the Tiramisu. But honestly... that's all I've had all day pretty much.  Haven't calculated on points where I'm at for today but I'm pretty happy.

I didn't feel like I splurged too much but I didn't restrict myself either. I stopped when I was full and I didn't chug the soda.

See... It might not always show on my body... but it's showing in my choices and thinking...

OG -- ZERO
Me -- ONE!

Dear Faithful Readers Of Mine;

It's been a while since I've posted anything in here just as it's been a while since I've even kept track of what I put into my mouth, just as it's been a while since I've worked out or even THOUGHT of it.

I don't know if any of you ever watch Biggest Loser or EM-Weight Loss Ed. I prefer EMWLE over BL because I think it shows it more true to life. Not all of us can be away for months at a time working out non-stop and being fed the delicious and healthy foods. EMWLE shows people in REAL LIFE. It shows how life can affect them and take away their time to work out and change their bodies. It shows REAL struggle.

And that's where I am.

Life has gotten in the way.

Two weeks ago I had my first ever gain in the last couple months. I shrugged it off. No big deal. I can fix it. The following week... I had another gain. No biggie. Can fix that one too.

But at one point will I gain so much back that I feel like I have to start over again? This week. I haven't weighed myself, yet, but I am dreading it. I have been binging and stuffing my body with junk and empty calories and been very dormant in my working out life.

And it's going to change.

I feel like I have let you all down and for that I am sorry. This is supposed to be a journal where I record my most best and my most worst feelings on this journey and I haven't been. Too often have I let life get in the way of things that it should never get in the way of... 

Love,

    Me...