Having my birthday on the same day as weigh-in seems fabulous... doesn't it?

That's what I thought, at first. I figured it was the start of a new week and all and it since it's the first day, I could be a little careless and still have time to redeem myself.

Right?

Wrong.

It's almost like a repeat of last week. For some reason, I was just so starved last week, I kept eating and eating and eating until I felt like I was going to explode. Literally. I haven't indulged myself quite like that in some time and it was like, no matter how hard I tried to get back on track, I just couldn't. It only proved to me that I can't mess up one day and redeem myself. It ruins the week.

So thursday, I went a little crazy but not so much that it was a total loss. Yesterday was kind of the same thing... Today, I'm holding my own a LOT better.

But the emotions are starting to boil up again and I'm not sure how to handle it. Sometimes I get so angry and upset that I just want to eat out of anger and frustration. "Ha! I'll make you feel guilty by eating this jar of chocolate cake frosting! SUCKA!" And then as I'm standing there, staring at the jar and thinking about how far I've already come, I put it back on the shelf and hang my head. "Nevermind. I just won't ever eat again! Then I'll become so skinny you'll wish you'd never hurt me and let me go!"

And then I starve myself... until the hunger pains take over and I wimp out.

Cry for help?

Probably.

Sometimes, late at night, I lie in bed and I imagine what it would be like to be thin... Okay maybe not even thin but thinner. I imagine how great my life will be and how I'll finally meet the man of my dreams and we'll have babies and live happily ever after. It's like living a fairy tale where I'm the main character and life is always happy and merry.

So why am I so afraid of Thin Me?

Not entirely sure but I have my own theories. Theories that, perhaps some other time, I will indulge upon. Then again... maybe not.

I know she's in there and she's trying... but I keep stuffing her full of food. She keeps asking for help but I shovel in another cookie or muffin just so I don't have to listen to her. But she's getting stronger and I can feel it. I can feel her trying to push through and one of these days... she's going to get out. And will she ever wreak havoc on life as I know it.

Bring it on.