I've been lamenting a lot about my living situation. The fact that my parents buy crap and cook crap and eat crap... and I go along with it because I have no other options.

When, oh when, will I take responsibility for MY actions?

I'm an adult and I should accept it as my own mission to care for myself. No one else can do it. I can blame my parents for instilling a poor sense of nutrition and lack of exercise ethic but it's MY choice to eat their garbage and sit around instead of moving.

My mom is a soda-fiend. I keep asking her to not buy it for me but she continues to do so. This afternoon I got to thinking about it... She buys the little 100 calorie cans of root beer and I thought that maybe if I bought some in a kind that I like... and then put maybe one in the fridge a day... maybe, just maybe, I won't be tempted to chug it. At least then it'll be a little can instead of a bottle of it. And hopefully, I can slowly wean myself off of it totally.

I've done it before.

I can and I will do it again.

I've been trying to get myself to walk at night when I come home from work. Tonight I passed because my head was throbbing and I had to go to the store. Let me tell you, the guilt weighed heavily on my heart. 

Tomorrow, I plan on getting an hour - long walk in. Then saturday, I hope to do the same before I go to my bf's for the weekend.

Maybe I'll work off the Taco Bell I had for dinner tonight. Over by 18 points tonight. Oops. But... It's the first night I've gone over and I still have time to make up for it.

It's a long and stressful journey but I'm going to get there. One way or another. :-)

Happy Losing!!

This week has been filled with so much heartache and frustration... I honestly felt like just giving up on everything and everyone... Myself included.

But with the storm also comes the rainbow and blue skies and I feel that those dark clouds are starting to roll away.

For the first time in a very long time, I went for a walk after work. 

I didn't push myself... it was more of a de-stress and time-"waster" (I had plans last night and just wanted it to be time to go) but it felt so good with the sun on my skin and the white puffy clouds and bright blue sky. The music on my iPod was inspiring and put a little swagger in my walk... lol...

My theme song for right now... STAND by Rascall Flatts. If you've never heard it... you should look it up because the lyrics definitely speak to me.

I made a promise to recommit to myself yesterday. I made a promise to myself that I WILL do this and I'm done making excuses. I can find time to make junk food and I can find time to eat it... I need to find time to exercise and make things right in my world.

I focus a lot on other people. My job is all about helping others and being around others. I need to find time for myself and if people can't understand and respect that... I don't know what to tell them.

Yes, my living situation isn't the greatest... but just because the garbage is here doesn't mean I have to eat it or be a glutton. Sure, I can enjoy my favorite stuff as long as it's in moderation and it's not over-board. 

I moved my weigh-in day up from Thursday to Wednesday. I am hoping maybe the change will make me reevaluate my choices and mix things up a little. Scale said I was down 1.2 or something like that but I'm not entirely sure I believe that. It was on a different day!

Thank you for all the support, love and encouragement. It's such an awesome feeling to know that other people care about me and my well-being and are cheering for me. I know I cannot do this alone.

Happy Losing!

This entry isn't really weight-loss related...

And maybe on some level it is.

I don't know.

I feel so frustrated with everything and everyone in my life. Sometimes I wish I could just pack up... walk away and never look back. Some days I'm convinced that no one would ever miss me and other days I know there are people who would.

I'm just so sick of the empty and broken promises from people. I'm tired of relying on other people when it's so damn clear to me that the only person I can rely on is myself.

And half the time I can't even rely on myself anymore.

I'm so unhappy with where I am. I am unhappy in my job. My living situation. I'm unhappy with people in my life.

I know that running away wouldn't fix anything. Problems just follow you wherever you are... but sometimes I think it'd be nice to fall off the face of the earth... even if only for a little while.

I just want to give up on everything but it's not possible. I know this is just a meltdown kind of day and I'm just way too tired... but I'm so tired of feeling like this.

I want my own place.

I want to know what it's like to be happy again. To be self-sufficient. To be free.

Instead... I just feel squashed. Beaten down. Tired.

*Sad Face*

I am spiraling out of control and I feel like I am powerless to stop it.

Goals for this Week:

0. Give it to God
1. NO SODA
2. Walking 30 minutes a day.
3. Stay within Points Range

Dear Amy;

I tried to write this in a comment to your comment but it deleted before I could finish writing or post. So I figured I'd dedicate an entry to your recent comment.

My Family.

My whole family is big... even our dogs. 

My mom: I love her to death but she's such an enabler. Once in a while I like to enjoy a soda. I like to buy them on my own just buy one at a time because then I'm not tempted to down three in a day or spend a lot of money I don't have buying more than one. Once in a while, I ask my mom to buy me one and she'll get one... then two... then a six pack. I know she does it because she wants to make me happy, but she doesn't understand it. When I tell her not to buy me anymore, she'll laugh and be like "doing this again?" Well yeah. Kinda. I'm really trying. 

My dad: he's diabetic and is supposed to be watching what he eats and how much. Recently he's taken himself completely off all his meds, refuses to go to the doctor and has been smoking more and more and more. He's a PB Cup fiend. He doesn't know how to take small portions and often, because mom wants to please him, she lets him get his food first and he takes so much there's barely enough for anyone else. He's big into the sugary stuff. Cookies, cakes, doughnuts. You know that kind.

My brother: doesn't really live here anymore, but growing up he was the same. He was picky and so most nights it was chicken nuggets, burgers, steak, pot roast... you know what I mean? Which is fine but at the same time we were never really exposed to all the other stuff out there.

I can remember being in elementary school and we'd spend our weekends on the boat on the lake. Mom and I would be laying on the back while we made our way down the Erie Canal and she'd just say, "We're going on a diet. You and me. We're going to drink water and eat veggies and fruit. We'll be skinny mini's." That usually lasted until lunch time or dinner. Or when someone opened the cooler and took out a pepsi.

Every night we always got some kind of snack before bed. Usually it was a dish of ice cream. Friday/saturday's we had pizza and wings and popcorn and soda. Soda used to be for special occasions... like Christmas. Holidays were a whole 'nother mess. We'd have these "Happy Fizzy Parties" where mom would cut up cheese and put out chips, pretzels, peanuts, dip, pepperoni... etc. They were always about being together and sharing in family time but looking back it seemed more like it was about the food.

My family has got to be one of the biggest culprits of wasted food. Every week mom and dad go grocery shopping, but they buy things we already have in the pantry. We have a lot of canned goods/boxed goods and condiments in the pantry that have expired or have multiples. They've gotten in the habit of opening something... using it till there's maybe one serving left and then opening a new one. It's so irritating because at any given time there will be three bottles of ranch, two giant mayo jars, two bags of lettuce -- one brown and wilted, 2 to 3 cartons of ice cream in the freezer and a ton of hot dogs. I'm waiting for them to go away for a day so I can clean out!

I lived on my own for a while and I did good. I lost 23 lbs in one summer... mostly cause all I ate were popsicles but it was only because it was hot, I didn't have AC and it was just what I wanted. My pantry had some canned goods and boxed goods and a lot of baking. My fridge was mostly bare other than essentials and left-overs and the same with the freezer. I used my crock pot a lot and made hearty stews and saved them and I usually finished a loaf of bread before buying new. Moving back in with my parents was a huge shock to me after that. I get so disgusted sometimes and it's like asking them to clear off a shelf for me to keep my stuff is like asking them to stop the world from spinning. I didn't think it was that big of a request but honestly, it took 3 years just to get a spot for a bucket in the cupboard. At one point I had cleaned off the top shelf of the fridge and lined my stuff (milk, yogurt, cheese etc) along the wall and kept to myself, but every time I opened the fridge it was all moved around and shoved to the back. I spent my hard earned money on the food and then it got lost in the back and wasted.

When I was with my ex, we struggled horribly with finances. It was a huge mess and there were times we had to decide on paying rent or buying food. We were even going to the food cupboard just to survive. It gave me a new appreciation for what I had and what I was given and it angers me that they can be so careless with it... especially since my mom lost her job and we've struggled making ends meet. 

I try to make my own foods sometimes and I try to share it but it's so hard. It's almost like they say, "You can live here... but you can't". If dad's asleep on the couch, which is more often than not, you can't make any noise. If it's not that then they're picking on you to the point that it's like... just forget it. They don't realize that sometimes they take it too far and hurt feelings, but you're in the wrong if your feelings are hurt. 

I wanted to get a mini-fridge and keep it in my bedroom. Just something I could keep water in and maybe mini-ice creams or ice cream sandwiches or popsicles and yogurt. But the wiring in the house is messed up and it more than likely blow the whole thing. I had a wooden tray that I painted and I put it on top of the fridge for my snacks... but the many bags of pretzels and potato chips have found their way into it. Honestly, if we were to throw away EVERYTHING... all the junk food and all the crap... I'd be fine with it. I don't ever really want it... but it's that mindset that something is there and I'm going to eat it. 

An unhealthy living situation and I feel like there's no way out of it. I have a small wicker basket in the pantry where I keep some canned goods and bread crumbs and some other little things and when I went to get something out of it... someone had filled it with bottles of chemicals and dog shampoo. I'm at my wit's end and the only way to stop it is to move out and into my own place. But I have a hard time with that because of my credit.

I like to work out. I like to walk/run and I have DVDs that I enjoy, but my parents always make fun of me for doing it. They think they're being funny but instead of mocking me and picking on me why not throw me a thumb's up when I'm finishing my walk on the treadmill. Or how about trying to work out WITH me. I have no space of my own and my bedroom is too small to do anything in it... although I was doing C25K on just a small bath rug on the floor next to my bed. 

I feel so alone in this fight. I know I have supporters but they all seem so far away. I need someone I can push and who will push me. Who will encourage me and make me work for it. I know I can do this, but sometimes circumstances make it all that much harder. I'm not even allowed to keep a cutting board and measuring spoons/cups and a food scale in the kitchen. How am I supposed to succeed?

Anyway... I took some photos in hopes that you will see what I am talking about.

This is my fridge/freezer. I didn't get pics of the drawers in the fridge but they're full too. The two boxes of popsicles are mine and yes, there's about 6 packs of hot dogs in the freezer door alone!

In the top picture, the black "box" is my "snack space"... the other basket is full of bags of chips and popcorn and pretzels. The middle picture shows two packages of cookies and a double fudge chocolate cake. Add a pack of xtra large blueberry muffins and a box of doughnuts too please! The bottom picture is of all the bread we usually have. There's 3 bags of hot dog/hamburger buns, two loaves of white bread, pringles and Italian bread.

The top left corner is the mini-freezer. Usually it's full of frozen meals and ice cream... and more hot dogs. The top right and bottom left are of the mini-fridge. There's mostly snapple in these pics but only because mom and dad haven't gone to walmart and bought the pepsi and coke.

This is our pantry.

I didn't take pics of the cupboards in the kitchen... 

But now you know what I have to contend with. I wish there was some way to get through to them about what they're doing and that they're not only hurting themselves but me as well. 

Someday.... Someday... Maybe... *Sigh*

Happy Losing!

Yesterday was my final day of vacation this summer and it was a blast!

My friend and I went to a Taughannock Falls State Park on Cayuga Lake. We started our day by walking up the river in our bare feet. It was a 3/4mi walk over rock and some watery spots. My balance was most definitely off. At the end was supposed to be some 200+ foot waterfall. Because of the droughts going on... it was barely even there. We put on our sneakers and walked the 3/4mi back to the main park. Before, I probably couldn't have been able to do it without getting winded and needed a break... but I did just fine. It was a lot of fun!

After that we decided to have some lunch... which I packed. I bought these pita shells (100 calories a piece) with Italian herb... a couple single packs of lunch meat and some cheese. I also cut up watermelon and had chocolate covered strawberries (DELISH!) and some cheez-it's. I packed the cooler with water because it was supposed to be hot out... but it wasn't too bad. Lunch was really good and tasty.

After lunch we went down to the beach and did some swimming for an hour. The water was so cold but it felt so good to finally go swimming! I've been craving it all summer! 

I came home exhausted and sunburnt with a splitting headache but it was so very worth it. We had a lot of fun and will be planning our next adventure soon! I wish I'd worn my Fitbit though so I could have tracked all the walking we did... but I was afraid of it getting wet in case I fell on my butt. I definitely got my workout in!!

Happy Losing! :-)