... No Gain...
... ... No Loss... ...

But hey... I'll take it. It's better than I was anticipating it to be. 

It sucks to work so hard for some thing (occasionally coasting too) and then go back to square one. Or close to it.

This is a stupid roller coaster that I can't seem to get off of. Go up, go down, stay level, go down, go up... I hate it.

There is, by no means, a quick fix for this. A lot of days I wish there were. That I could wake up in the morning and be 150lbs or whatever. A lot of days I pretend I am a lot smaller than I am.

But then I wouldn't learn. I wouldn't learn what my triggers were. I wouldn't learn discipline. The discipline to take what I am allowed and the discipline to say No. Maybe that will be my goal this week... To look in the mirror and finally say NO to myself. After all, *I* am the one doing this. No one is forcing it on me.

I am scared. I am scared of what being thin will be like. I am scared I won't know myself as the only me I know is a bigger me. I'm afraid of attention I might get but not know what to do with. I'm afraid of wearing cute clothes. 

But I want it. My want has to be bigger than my fear... And slowly but surely I am getting there. I just hope it happens before it's too late.

I want to be married again. I want to look good when/if it happens. I want to have babies but if I don't take charge of this soon then that dream will never happen. If I don't grab hold of this demon and whip it into shape... I fear a lot of things won't happen.

And that fear is greater than any other fear I have.

In a world where I have very little control over so many things... THIS I do have control over. I just have to keep working on HOW.

Happy Losing...