"... Someday I'll fly... Someday I'll soar... Someday I'll be... So damn much more... 'Cause I'm bigger than my body gives me credit for... I'm bigger than my body... Yeah..."

As many of you know, I have been struggling very much lately with my weight. It's been a roller coaster ride that is anywhere from being over, if it ever ends at all and I'm assuming it doesn't. 

I've cried. I've screamed. I've had meltdown after meltdown after temper tantrum and pity party. But today has been a day of awakening within my heart and soul and mind. I've come to a LOT of conclusions about who I am and where my journey is going.

I battle Hypertension. I've battled it since about 2004. Recently my bad cholesterol has gone up as well as my sugar. I deal with depression and well... just plain ass laziness.

But one thing about me is that I don't give up. I'm the kind of person that walks away for a while... takes a breather and another look... and I come back.

I'm stronger than I give myself credit for.

Today, I had my follow-up with Dr. L about my blood work and my BP. Usually these meetings go... okay. (Last time I lamented about how my home life was so rough. About the choices my parents make and what I'm faced with on a daily basis.)

When I take a day off from work (Shhh... don't tell my boss!) I try to get up early and go for my walk to get it out of the way. Today was no different. I woke at 7am and by 7:30 I was on the road walking, rocking out to my iPod and enjoying the COLD morning. I replayed every possible scenario in my head about what could go down at the Dr's. Was my weight going to be OFF the charts ... Like I was assumed? Would I be lectured? Put on more meds? Who knew?

I rationalized with myself.

"Doctor... I've been really struggling these last few months. I was doing exceptionally well and seeing results but then I gave up. I got sick and had soda and stopped walking. It went downhill from there. But I completed a 5k in March. Sure, I walked, but the main thing was that I did it. I was doing C25K for a while but now I try to walk 40-60 minutes 3-4 times a week. The food part I'm still trying to figure out...

... I'm still living at home. I'm still faced with temptation after temptation but I'm learning to say no. I have a new man in my life who is super supportive and asks me to walk his dogs with him. We like to lie around and watch movies but we don't sit on the couch and pig out. We don't really eat a lot together either. His mom is a lot like mine in that when we get together, out come the snacks. But since I want to make a good impression on them... I go easy. Pop and olive here... maybe a cracker. They seem to accept me as I am... and I'm grateful. 

... We're going to Niagara Falls friday and I'm sure we'll do a Lot of walking. I'm really making an effort, so whatever your scale says, I accept it."

I... ACCEPT... IT...

I weighed myself this morning, as I usually do Wednesday mornings and it said I was down 2lbs. Okay... I could see a loss this week but there was the Sesame Chicken and Coconut Shrimp, Pork Fried Rice and the sodas. There were the many candy bars... the ice cream (although my bowls of ice cream have seriously decreased in size!) so the amount lost was kind of a welcome surprise. The boost I needed.

I stepped on the scale at the Dr's and they have a new digital scale. It was about 7lbs more than what I weighed at home.

Now... I'm a firm believer that when you weigh yourself you should be butt naked. BUTT NAKED. I hate how there's no where to put your stuff down and the nurses seem so busied and annoyed if you don't move as quick as them... but I seriously believe it would have been another 2 maybe 3 lbs less had I put down my wallet, phone, book, keys and chapstick down, taken off my sneakers and worn something lighter than jeans and 2 shirts. (At WW we always wore as LITTLE as possible and took off what we could at W-I!)

I'm still feeling pretty good and waiting for Dr. L to come in and eventually she does. I like Dr. L. I think she's one of my favorite Dr's that I've had. She's an older woman, maybe 40's... and she's not thin. 

I've had Dr's who are stick-thin yell at me for my weight. They've literally told me I'm going to die (And I was like 12 at the time) and put me on every possible pill. I've had them berate me and make me feel about 2 cm's tall. But not Dr. L. She's very friendly and she can joke about her size. We kind of commiserate about the struggles of it and most of all... she just listens. She lets me vent my frustration and she encourages me.

Okay... So enough of all this... down to the Nitty-Gritty of it all...

Since my last visit in March... I have lost 5lbs (according to their scale/measurements). My Glucose has gone down and all my numbers are beautiful. My blood pressure is almost perfect. 

Dr. L hugged me and told me I was doing an amazing job. She told me to keep it up and that I had better lose another 5lbs by March when I see her again.

I left with the biggest smile on my face. 

I was telling my friend JT how excited I was and how great it was. He bet me that I could lose 5lbs by December and 10 by March and that he'd do it with me. He said that he'll walk when I walk and I texted him back and said, "You better get moving cause I've already got my 2 miles in!"

THIS is what I need. I needed the affirmation that while things are hard and that I'm going to fail once in a while that I need to look at the bigger picture. I need to not be so focused on numbers and results but rather the process and the journey. 

Kind of like with my Mini-Muffins... Process Oriented vs. Product Oriented.

Happy Losing! :-)