If You Change Nothing... Nothing Will Change

Well... Hello there! I'm glad you are reading this! I think you are beautiful and priceless!

 

It's been a while... a long while... since I've even opened up my blog and wrote. I tried, once or twice, but I felt like I couldn't get anywhere and everything I felt like I was saying wasn't worth reading. In other words... it was just a bunch of babble.

 

But I am trying and I am making a fresh start.

 

I had my first baby this past September. I weighed a whopping 378 pounds by the time I delivered and my son was a ginormous 10lbs 12oz. I was tested for gestational diabetes but I did not have it.. however they feel that at the end it had reared it's ugly head. It felt like every week I weighed in I would always gain. THAT was frustrating. My back ached and I was pretty miserable. It hurt to walk into the kitchen or do dishes. I wanted to sucker punch my brother for constantly telling me to walk and get his nephew out. I ended up having a C-Section after three days of trying to jumpstart labor. My boy was just too comfortable... and stubborn. When I went in for the surgery, they had to give me an epidural... obviously... and it took three times. Three times! Three times being stabbed in the back! It was awful and even several days afterwards, I could feel the needle prick. OUCH! I was unable to see my son for almost 24 hours but it was so worth it! He was HUGE! Anyway... Moving along (Before I get all misty eyed and stuffy nosed...) at my 6 week check in... I had lost over 30lbs! No kidding! I was back to my pre-baby weight! If only taking off the rest of it would be that easy!

 

I am still a member of my local TOPS group and I still enjoy it. We have a competition going right now... We each wrote down how much we wanted to lose by the first week of April and I fear I may have been a little too ambitious. Instead of writing down something small.. like 10 lbs or even 5... I chose 20! TWENTY POUNDS! I am down almost 4 so far...

 

At first, it was easy not to eat. Still recovering from surgery, I tried to rest as much as possible. Plus I was breast-feeding. Now that I am no longer breast-feeding and my son is becoming more tolerant of being left alone for a few moments... I am left to my own devices. Most days, I have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich... or maybe a mini-pot pie for lunch. I don't drink nearly enough water and probably too much milk (2%).

 

I am hoping that by posting here and leaving it for the world to see then I will hold myself accountable. I mean... who wants to post for all the world to see that they are over 300lbs?? I don't... but I am going to.

 

I currently weigh 352.8lbs.

 

There... I said it.

 

Am I ashamed? You better believe it! But honestly, it's all I've ever known. I've always been big and I've gotten used to it. Actually comfortable. One of my fears is that... if I lose a ton of weight and look good... and people notice... I'm afraid I won't be able to handle their compliments or attention. I've always been the one to fade into the back and I've been okay with that. But now it's not just for me. It's for my son. I want to be healthy for him so I can chase him around the yard and not get winded at the park. I want to be able to walk up and down the road pushing his stroller and having fun with him.

 

This isn't going to be easy and I expect there will be a few setbacks here and there, but if I give it my all and really try then I will have nothing to be ashamed of.

 

All that being said... here are my goals for this week:

 

1. Drink THREE bottles of water a day! Can be more but definitely no less!

2. Write down EVERY THING I consume.

 

I hope that by next week I will have a good report for anyone who reads this. Encouraging comments are always welcome (No negativity please).

 

NO MORE negative body thoughts

NO MORE "I'll do it tomorrow"

NO MORE sitting and wishing for a thinner me

NO MORE eating when I am not hungry

NO MORE waiting for this to get easier

NO MORE muffin tops

NO MORE wobbly thighs

NO MORE soft round stomach

NO MORE "buts...."

NO MORE "I can't....."

NO MORE "it's too hard!"

NO MORE "I'm too tired."

NO MORE EXCUSES!

Last night's weigh-in had me kind of nervous. Usually, I try not to focus on the numbers on the scale alone but by my clothing and towels and so on. Lately I've been feeling very bloated and big... but the scale keeps going down.

This week I went down 1lb. Before, I would be discouraged. ONLY A POUND? Really? I count and measure and work at it for little to no changes? Really? Well... I'll take it. Slow and steady is good for me. As much as I'd love to wake up tomorrow and be thin... I have to remind myself that it didn't go on in a night or a week. This has been 20 years of bad choices. Honestly, I'm more proud of myself for doing it the right way. I'm teaching myself to be more conscientious of my choices and portion sizes. It's really cool to have so many people wishing me well and cheering on my successes. It actually makes me want to do better. With the holidays coming up, I'm not planning on losing. If I maintain, I'll be happy.

So while I was sitting here thinking about my loss... I realized that 1lb is equal to 4 sticks of butter. If I can just keep doing that... I'll be good.

Weight this week: 353.6

Happy Losing!

Plooper's Plight...

Well I missed TOPS last week. Partly because I was sick and partly because we had a snow storm (Which ended up not being as bad as they thought it would be...).

So in two weeks, I gained .4lbs. Honestly, I felt like I was going to go in and gain like 5. Unfortunately, Plooper still loses a leg. His first one. Which means he's down to 7 legs... Which isn't too bad. I just have to make sure I am careful from here on out.

I've been thinking about asking my parents if I can stop by a couple days a week to use their treadmill. I figure if I do that for like an hour... it won't be too bad.

Anyway... To a new and better week. I can and will do this.

Sorry Plooper... :-(

Plooper survived Weigh-In #1.

I lost 1.4lbs this week. I'm kind of surprised because with Friday night and Sunday... I didn't make the best choices. But I am excited either way. It felt good!

I have to figure out how to keep the momentum going and step it up. I've been drinking a LOT more water this week... I only had two sodas this week and very little chocolate. I've been trying to have more yogurt and I really need to step up the fruits and veggies.

Happy Losing!

*Shaking my head*

I was so bad yesterday I am ashamed!

I don't know what got a hold of me but I just couldn't stop eating. I wasn't feeling great to begin with. I was mad about stuff going on at work... I just couldn't stop shoveling it in. According to my calculations, my "friend" should be visiting next week sometime. Someone told me that if you load up on dairy, like yogurt, the week before, it'll help curb cravings. I might have to give that a try.

I feel so gross today I don't even want to eat anything. I saved my big soda cup from last night, washed all the ickies out of it, filled it with water and put it in the fridge to cool down. I KNOW that if you drink from a straw, you consume more.

I also think I am going to write down my TOPS pledge on an index card and keep it with me at all times. That way, when I feel like going almost 1,000 calories (Yes, that's about the damage I did yesterday!) I can whip it out and remind myself I deserve better!

Redeem myself Saturday... Ugh!

Happy Losing!

I didn't get a chance to post Tuesday about my 2nd meeting.

I stayed the same.

Which is good, in that I didn't gain... but bad in that I didn't lose. No one to blame but myself. Too much chocolate and the likes.

Yesterday I messed up. A lot of today too. My work has been stressing me out and I just mindless eat. Peanut butter cups? Ok! Usually I don't keep a lot of chocolate in my house but the bf bought some for Halloween. I guess that's a good sign that we still have some and haven't devoured it all yet, but at the same time it's still there.

Today I feel big. My shirt fees tight and I am just out of breath at everything. I just feel fat.

This weeks weight: 355.6

Today is about the halfway mark in my 1st week of Tops... I've been making an effort to really track and "be good". I think I've been doing pretty decent... at least better than I was.

Yes, I am still eating candy but I count it out BEFORE I consume it... so I only take 5 mini pb cups or 1/4 c. peanut M's instead of taking a HANDFUL and counting it out after I've eaten it. Plus, I've only been allowing myself to have 1 or 2 servings of chocolate a day...

Work has been so crazy lately that by the time I get home, I crash. I need to figure out a new thing for exercise. I saw a ballet video and I kind of liked it... so I think I might buy that. I usually take my laptop to work so maybe during naptime I can pop in one and bust out a 15 minute something or other.

Well, I got to go eat some yummy homemade beef stew! :)

Happy Losing!