Woe is me.

Ohh woe is me.

I fell off track somewhere around saturday. I just kind of... gave up and it's been hell trying to get back on the wagon. Now, I didn't do HORRIBLE but I didn't do as well as I have been.

And I'm mad at myself.

For one... My mom... The Enabler... asked me monday if I wanted cheese and crackers and pepperoni. I politely declined and she asked again. Again, I politely declined to which she comments that I'm really being good. I walked away from the kitchen and when I came back... she points to a bowl of cheese and pepperoni. I said no thank you and she said it would be in the fridge in case I changed my mind. Thank you, mom. I know you mean well... but please respect my decision. 

I wanted to have a soda for Memorial Day... so I bought a 6 pk of Cherry Pepsi. I've been doing fairly well with it, as in, I'm not guzzling it. My brother's gf even had one and at first I was kind of pissed off but then I was glad because that was one less soda I would drink. I've only limited myself to ONE a day and I try to drink it slowly.

But something about soda makes you just hungry. Well.. okay.. me. A soda turned into a soda and some pretzels. Then some goldfish. And then....... and then..... and then.... 

What a vicious cycle!

Not only that, but I've been very sedentary this week. Don't know if it's stress or the heat but something my co-teacher said kind of shocked me and made me proud. She's thin. Like... twig thin. She was telling me and our coordinator that she's in training for a 5k in the start of August and that it's been hell. Then she brought up the day we took the kids on the BIG hill behind the hospital and how I kept running up and down the hill (I went like 5 times at least!) and how I wasn't even out of breath and she couldn't get up it once without huffing and puffing. I didn't think she noticed... but damn. A little praise goes a LONG way!

Alice (my friend) says she can see it in me. She says she wanted to tell me yesterday morning how good I looked... but every time I look in the mirror I still feel like a heff. My clothes are getting big, I admit it. But it's not enough. For some reason, my mind just can't accept that my body IS changing and it's just hard to see. Of course... I see me every day. I always comment on how well she looks but it's like... why can't I just accept that I'm getting there too? Why is that so hard for me?

In all honesty, I'm terrified. I don't know what it's like to be "thin" or even close to it. Sure, at one point I was but my weight just kept climbing and I never got to enjoy it. I'm a shy creature of habit and I feel awkward and uneasy around people. If people are looking at me because I look good and are giving me attention, how will I handle it? I'm so afraid that I'll return to my crappy habits and end up where I was before.

Then again there's a new determination inside me. I know it's just a number on the scale but I've got a long way to go and it's damn intimidating. But at the same time... I never want to be as big as I was at my biggest.

Hey... I'll make a deal with y'all. . . .

. . . . I have NEVER told anyone what my HIGHEST weight was... you know, the one where I started this entire journey? Yeah... THAT one! When I lose a total of 100lbs.... I will publicly post my beginning size... and maybe even post a picture of myself there too...

Talk about the ultimate encouragement to be able to say "I was XXX pounds... but now I'm XXX!!!!"

And I pray that you all will celebrate with me!

Happy Losing!

Ahh, Soda. 

... My Arch Nemesis. 

... ... My rival. 

... ... ... My Achilles Heel.

... ... ... ... My Addiction.

For as long as I can remember, soda has been hindering my life. Yes, my life. When I was little, soda was saved for weekends or special occasions. And even then, it was only one maybe two.

The older I got the more it got. 

Recently (and by recently, I mean about two/three years ago) it got to the point that one would turn into two... which would then turn into three until I was having about 4 day. Going out to McDonald's it was always the super sized cups. No ice. Then, I decided to give it up.

The first time I gave it up I started on New Year's Day and went until July. Not too bad. I was pretty proud of myself. I tried it again the following year and did about the same. Last year, I made it all the way to the end of August when I had my heart problems. 

This year, I have made it until the middle of May. I ended up with a stomach bug and my mom told me to drink some pepsi to help get some potassium back. I suppose... I only had two and then I had a Dr. Pepper the following day... And then I stopped drinking it again.

And the holiday weekend rears it's ugly head. I've been craving it for a while now and I kind of, sort of, well... I gave in. I just wanted ONE cherry pepsi for dinner last night and one for today. No luck. I had to buy a 6 pack (because the box - o- cans would have taken up too much precious room) of really tall 2-serving bottles. I was hoping that if I just put one in the fridge at a time that I'd be okay and not go crazy.

Last night, I opened one up, got a glass out of the cupboard and poured about half into it and went along my way for dinner. It was good and it was just enough. A couple hours later, I wanted a snack. I got some pretzels and poured the rest of it in my cup and I was satisfied. 

Maybe -- just maybe -- I won't have to give it up COMPLETELY if I can learn to limit myself. If I can condition myself to just have maybe ONE serving at a time or just a can. When I think about it... it truly is an addiction. For me, it would become obsessive and I would feel like I HAD to have it. Now, I'm learning I can co-exist with it and not go crazy.

Soda... I come in peace...

Happy Memorial Day! Thank you to those who have served... are serving and will serve! God Bless all of you.

Little Victories

So I am taking great delight in all the little things I'm noticing about my weight loss. Tomorrow is dreaded W-I day but even if I see no movement or a gain, I'll be just as excited about the fact that....

1. My BIG bath towel now OVERLAPS by a few inches whereas before I had to HOLD it closed! I still do... but only because I keep fearing that it's going to fly open on me and I'll be exposed. 

2. I can reach across myself to attach my FitBit to the right side of my pants with my left hand. And yes, this was IMpossible before!

3. I made my first 1.31 miles in 30 minutes. Even in high school... I was always the overweight one who had to walk the mile in gym class. I might not be running it in 5 minutes... yet... but that's a BIG improvement!

The first weekend in June is the Sulphur Springs Festival. My co-worker and friend and I are doing a 5k walk. There's a 5k run but neither of us feels like we're ready to run it quite yet. Not only that but later that day there is a parade and our center has a float so we're going to walk in that as well! Will definitely be getting my steps/miles in that day!

Happy Losing! :-)

Take Me Home, Country Road...

My Fitbit has been my inspiration and my encouragement to get moving. I love the way it feels when I get a badge on my site... other than the 50lb Weight Loss one I received because my brother was being a jerk and weighted himself 20 times on our Aria and it all registered under MY account... but anyway.

I thought this weekend would be perfect for a walk around the block. Did I mention that I live in the country? And did I also mention that my block has no sidewalks and happens to be over 3 miles with hills?

In my mind, it seemed perfect. Ain't no mountain high enough...

Yeah right.

I got up, got dressed in capris and a tank top... since it was warm and sunny. Put on my PUMAS and headed out the door with my fitbit, my phone and my iPod. 

Feeling good, I psyched myself up to conquer this massive block and I wasn't going to give up. As I walked, I bounced to the music and kept pushing myself. Further and Further I went. Hill after hill I climbed. I started sweating and the sun was hot as it was just past noon.

But then... after I'd gotten over the first big hill... much farther down the road than I normally walk... I could feel the blisters on my feet. The shady spots were far and few between and I was huffing and puffing. But still, I didn't give up and kept pushing. I made it to my first right turn and just about dropped on the pavement. Stopping was NOT an option because my feet were throbbing and burning and I could now feel the blisters squishing.

I made my way down the second leg of my journey and just about cried when I saw the big hill looming ahead. Who the hell put THAT there? I don't remember that hill being there!! But as I climbed up the hill and started my way down, I saw the stop sign and knew I was going to make it.

Nevermind that I'm burning up and getting really thirsty. My hands are so swollen that my ring had to come off. I was starting to feel panicky from the heat and my feet were hurting so bad. I made my second right and started the third leg of my journey.

Where was the sidewalk? I didn't remember it being so far down the road... and it looked like one big uphill climb. The panic got worse and I just wanted to go home. There was still no shade anywhere except a tiny little spot up the road... so I trekked up and then stopped. I pulled out my phone and called my mom.... crying. "Come get me!"

I paced, slowly, on the side of the road with my shoes off and just relaxed while I waited for mom. I was tired. I was dizzy. My feet hurt so bad. I have never been relieved to see her coming and climbed in the car.

I got home, took a cool shower and guzzled a diet snapple. The blister on the bottom of my foot was the biggest one anyone has seen and last night I drained it. Twenty minutes it took to get it all taken care of but it feels much better.

Next time I will take water. I will not go in the middle of the day when it's hottest. I will invest in decent walking/running shoes. I will wear sunscreen.

Lesson learned...

Hello Old Friend

The scale is my friend... again. This week.

A lot of factors working in my favor this week. I was sick with some kind of stomach bug most of the weekend and the early part of the week. Being sick isn't so good but the fact that you can't eat anything and you're losing everything you DID eat... well that helps. I've found that I'm unable to eat as much as I used to. But hey... it works.

Now the challenge begins. Along with being a member of Lose It, I'm also a member of Weight Watchers and Fitbit. My Weight Watcher's points are the lowest I've ever had them, so it will be a challenge to keep them there and get them under. 

This is the part where I throw my hands up and say "To hell with it all!" and quit.

But not this time.

See, when I set my mind to something, I do it. No matter how hard it is or how long it takes me I accomplish it. 

But with God on my side and a few very good friends who are invested in my health and well-being... I will beat this. I will beat this disease of Over-eating and being Over-weight!

Happy Thursday All!

Never Really Noticed

As I'm sitting on my bed, sick with the stomach bug and playing "hooky" from work... I was cleaning up my email folders and deleting old emails. I found a bunch of pictures of myself from over the past year or so.

It shocked me.

I guess I never really noticed how full my face looks. Bloated. Chipmunk-esque. 

Baby steps right? I'll get there eventually... right?

This weekend I was shopping for mother's day (nothing like putting off until the last minute, huh?) and I found a couple of shirts in the "Women's" department at Walmart. I tried one on in a size smaller than I usually wear and guess what... it fit. I mean... it fit. 

To say the least... I was surprised. For the past three years, my weight has fluctuated and stayed about the same. It's been frustrating but I can honestly say I haven't been trying. Maybe I'm afraid; but of what... I'm not entirely sure.  I don't know how to handle being anything other than "Fluffy".  I don't know what it's like to wear cute little clothes and have people look at me. I don't know what it's like to fit into a regular pair of jeans or wear a pretty bra. 

It saddens me how people and society treat over-weight people. Aren't we all humans? I have feelings... just like you. Anger, sadness, happiness, love, joy, hurt... Don't we all have hopes and dreams and fears? Don't we all desire the basic needs in life? Love? Affection? Attention? We're not as different as we think we are or have been made to think. We're all made of the same things.. blood and skin.

We're a "melting pot" culture... full of such diversity... but what does diversity REALLY mean? If you look it up on www.dictionary.com it says it's a "Variety". A variety huh? What if the world were all Stepford Wives? Cookie Cutter images? Wouldn't that make life boring?

I choose to celebrate my differences and yours. Imagine if, for one day, we ALL had to walk around with one label on us... What would yours be? 

A Little Loss... Is a Big Loss

The scale is my friend this week.

I may be down 2.8lbs this week but I find victories in small things I've noticed about myself in the past week alone.

* I have more will power than I believe. The fact that I've gone to bed hungry every night because I didn't use my over points on WW... The fact that there was a delicious Pecan Pie sitting on the counter that smelled and looked absolutely fabulous and I walked away with nothing more than a crumb of crust and a tiny pecan... proves to me that I'm not as weak as I claim to be.

* I move a lot more than I thought. There are days I should move more and want to move more but just don't have the energy. But just knowing that in one day I can do 6 flights of stairs and walk 2 mi just by doing my job... well heck that's a start... right?

I know that there are going to be weeks where I gain or don't see a change at all but the fact is that I KNOW I can do this. I know I have the tools and the power within me to do this. I didn't put the weight on in one night so I shouldn't assume it'll come off in one night.

What a fabulous day!

I Think I'm Getting The Hang Of It

Due to the encouragement and support of some very awesome and dear friends... I think I am finally getting this weight-loss journey off on the right track!! There have been some super changes in my life and I'd like to share them.

1. I set mini-goals each week. Being part of Weight Watcher's I start over every week and it's like a clean slate. Everything that happened the week before no longer matters... as long as I learned from my mistakes. Each week I make mini-goals. For example... this week my goals are to use just my regular day points and leave my extras alone; track EVERYTHING (I bite it... I write it!); Give it to God.

2. Give it to God. I'm a religious person and I've tried doing this on my own when my faith has wavered. The stronger I am in God the better off I am. I've found that it helps me to be strong and reminds me how not in control I really am.

3. Fitbit. Fitbit is my NEW best friend! At least the first day. I was so excited to have it and try it out that I went over-board. Was I sore the next day! But it keeps me motivated to keep moving. Yes, it's the weekend and I'm having a little down time. But I'm still moving.

4. I'm being careful about what I eat. Despite living with my parents and being subjected to their unhealthy ways, I am making it work for me. I bought little blue plates that have sections (I found them at Walmart for like a buck in the picnic section) and I use it often. It forces me to watch my portions and I find that after eating fairly little (or "normal") amounts I am much fuller. Even though my financial situation is tight, I find a little extra in my budget to buy some healthy snacks... so when I get the munchies I can have something semi-healthy (Or low in points). 

5. My friends. My friends are my support system. Without their help and love and genuine care for my well-being... I wouldn't be able to do this. Even if it's just an email or text to tell me to stay strong or writing long emails back and forth so our fingers are busy typing and not munching... It helps. They are definite Godsends and I am so blessed to have them in my life.

This road is a long and treacherous one. I hate this saying but it so rings true -- This weight wasn't put on in a short amount of time so it's not going to come off in a short amount of time. But I'm making it as fun and inspiring as I can. The people I meet along way... they just add light to the darkness and warmth in the cold.

I can do this. I WILL do this. I was made for more.

My mantra ... My body does NOT attract love. *I* do.