Woe is me.

Ohh woe is me.

I fell off track somewhere around saturday. I just kind of... gave up and it's been hell trying to get back on the wagon. Now, I didn't do HORRIBLE but I didn't do as well as I have been.

And I'm mad at myself.

For one... My mom... The Enabler... asked me monday if I wanted cheese and crackers and pepperoni. I politely declined and she asked again. Again, I politely declined to which she comments that I'm really being good. I walked away from the kitchen and when I came back... she points to a bowl of cheese and pepperoni. I said no thank you and she said it would be in the fridge in case I changed my mind. Thank you, mom. I know you mean well... but please respect my decision. 

I wanted to have a soda for Memorial Day... so I bought a 6 pk of Cherry Pepsi. I've been doing fairly well with it, as in, I'm not guzzling it. My brother's gf even had one and at first I was kind of pissed off but then I was glad because that was one less soda I would drink. I've only limited myself to ONE a day and I try to drink it slowly.

But something about soda makes you just hungry. Well.. okay.. me. A soda turned into a soda and some pretzels. Then some goldfish. And then....... and then..... and then.... 

What a vicious cycle!

Not only that, but I've been very sedentary this week. Don't know if it's stress or the heat but something my co-teacher said kind of shocked me and made me proud. She's thin. Like... twig thin. She was telling me and our coordinator that she's in training for a 5k in the start of August and that it's been hell. Then she brought up the day we took the kids on the BIG hill behind the hospital and how I kept running up and down the hill (I went like 5 times at least!) and how I wasn't even out of breath and she couldn't get up it once without huffing and puffing. I didn't think she noticed... but damn. A little praise goes a LONG way!

Alice (my friend) says she can see it in me. She says she wanted to tell me yesterday morning how good I looked... but every time I look in the mirror I still feel like a heff. My clothes are getting big, I admit it. But it's not enough. For some reason, my mind just can't accept that my body IS changing and it's just hard to see. Of course... I see me every day. I always comment on how well she looks but it's like... why can't I just accept that I'm getting there too? Why is that so hard for me?

In all honesty, I'm terrified. I don't know what it's like to be "thin" or even close to it. Sure, at one point I was but my weight just kept climbing and I never got to enjoy it. I'm a shy creature of habit and I feel awkward and uneasy around people. If people are looking at me because I look good and are giving me attention, how will I handle it? I'm so afraid that I'll return to my crappy habits and end up where I was before.

Then again there's a new determination inside me. I know it's just a number on the scale but I've got a long way to go and it's damn intimidating. But at the same time... I never want to be as big as I was at my biggest.

Hey... I'll make a deal with y'all. . . .

. . . . I have NEVER told anyone what my HIGHEST weight was... you know, the one where I started this entire journey? Yeah... THAT one! When I lose a total of 100lbs.... I will publicly post my beginning size... and maybe even post a picture of myself there too...

Talk about the ultimate encouragement to be able to say "I was XXX pounds... but now I'm XXX!!!!"

And I pray that you all will celebrate with me!

Happy Losing!