Sky's The Limit

Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon!

Short entry because Little Man is up and I need to get to the store before making Fajita Stuffed Chicken with Spanish Rice for dinner... Is your mouth watering? Cause mine is!

Walked today with a friend. She was telling me about all the marathons and such that she's completed and it made me jealous... in a good way. Jealous as in... I want to do that. We walked only 2.06 miles today but we did the BIG hill and truth be told... I made it to the top (while pushing little guy) without having to stop. That's a HUGE accomplishment! And this hill is a beast. I'm not exaggerating when I say it's big.

So... I got that going for me. I contemplated walking when the Husband gets home, but I think I'll skip. I feel good... I just don't want to over do it. Sometimes when I start to enjoy something, I do it until I get sick of it. Plus I know I need a rest. My head kind of hurts and I'm wicked tired.

Happy Weekend!

F.E.A.R

FEAR has two meanings...

Forget Everything And Run

 Or...

Face Everything And Rise.

I'll admit. I struggled to get my workout in tonight. By the time my husband got home, I was exhausted and falling asleep in the chair while Munchkin ran around. It was hot and I just wanted to take a shower and crawl into a nice cool bed and I didn't stop to get more milk.

*Sigh*

But... My husband was very supportive and told me I could go for a walk or I didn't have to. It was up to me but he'd take care of Munchkin so I could go. I love him. So I went. I decided to run when I could and felt like it... but I wasn't going to push it. My goal was 3 miles but like I said... I wasn't going to push it. 

I'm not sure how much I actually ran since I didn't run from a specific point to a specific point. I ran from the top of the hill to the stop sign. From the tree farm drive to the other one. From the edge of our property to the other. There was no rhyme or reason... I just did what I felt I could.

In the end... I beat my time. I previously did 3.12 miles in 1:10:20. Tonight I did 3.18 miles in 1:04:07.

Wow!

A friend on Facebook just asked how much weight I've lost. When I looked at the numbers.. I kind of can't believe it.

As of January 1, 2016 I have lost 40.6lbs.

As of June 1, 2016 I have lost 12.6lbs.

Those are numbers to be proud of! Only makes me wonder what my numbers will be at the end of the year... 

Far From What I Once Was...

... But Not Yet What I Am Going To Be.

1. My friend told me I am looking good. I'll take it!

2. There's a garbage bag of clothes in the bedroom that I have been meaning to donate for years and never have. I wanted to go through it one more time and make sure there wasn't anything I wanted in there. When I put them in the bag, they were all mostly too small. You know... Size 30/32 and 28/26. Just for giggles, I tried them all on and guess what... They are either too big or just right. It's seriously like going shopping for free!

3. Years ago I bought a pair of jeans and was NEVER able to fit into them. I bought them because I hoped, someday, they would fit and they haven't. I could not get them up over my thighs... How sad... but today I was able to get them up and on and even buttoned! They were snug but holy moley! Talk about a game changer right there!

4. I haven't been able to do many big walks lately because of the weather so I started C25K. It's only a half hour a day and I do it in the house, so it's like running in place. But still... It's better than nothing and it's better than sitting around doing nothing. Plus... I'm getting my sweat on. I bought these 3lbs hand weight for walking and I try to use them while I do the routine. Sometimes, I'll hold them over my head... anything to get rid of the arm jiggle.

I feel so good about myself it's ridiculous. I am so motivated to keep going and this was totally the boost I needed to keep going. Not that I'm not motivated, but when I look int he mirror, I don't see anything or anyone different. I just see... Me. I notice that my favorite clothes are getting too big. I can kind of see that my stomach is getting less lumpy. I guess I just needed to have some kind of validation that I'm doing a good job and I'm getting somewhere.

Got a long way to go but I am getting there. Going to have to visit the Doctor's office and get a new goal weight from them since I'm so close to my goal right now. Can't wait to see what the scale says this week. 

The Pain You Feel Today...

... Will Be The Strength You Feel Tomorrow.

Today is a rest day. I woke up this morning with my muscles aching... even in my stomach and sides and all I did was walk yesterday. Well... Kind of.

I've been trying to incorporate some kind of speed walking or running, as long as my body feels it's okay. I made my husband sit down and figure out *about* what I ran yesterday and it equates to around a half mile. A half mile. 

In school, we always had to run the dreaded mile and I always ended up walking and coming in last. Not that it was ever a race or competition but it always broke my spirit. It was torture. I've never really been fit. I've never really been thin. I've never been one to really like working out or even getting sweaty until my first marriage ended. I had such bad anxiety attacks that I'd HAVE to walk and on the really bad days, I'd have to RUN. The burning in my chest felt good and it was always easier to deal with the physical pain than the emotional. After that I got really into Zumba. Then it all fizzled out.

But I am getting around to liking the sweat. It doesn't bother me as much if I'm doing something good for me. Plus it makes the end-of-workout shower so much more enjoyable. 

When I walk/run I find that I am more focused on what's coming up and how I can get out of it. Here's how my walking routine goes...

* I walk all the way to the end of the road (1.2 mile) 

* I walk backwards up the small hill at the end, then walk to the edge of the tree farm property.

* I run (or try) from the edge of the tree farm property to the flooding driveway of the other side of the road and then walk to the end of our property.

* I run from the end of our property to the other end and then walk down to the end of the road.

Does that even make sense? If I do that THREE TIMES the running ends up to be about half mile. Not bad for someone who couldn't even make it to the end of the road without having to stop for a break!

Anyway... back to the thinking ahead... I find that I get more focused on if I'm going to be able to run the distances or if my knee hurts too bad. I have to stop thinking about this and just focus on where I am. I worry that I'll blow my knee out again or something worse, but if I listen to my body... I'll be okay. I just kept telling myself that I needed to stay in the moment and enjoy the moment.

So... I suppose that's all. My eating has been weak this weekend (Salad for lunch yesterday, then peanuts for a snack, then a small portion of chili cheese dog bake/corn on the cob/red potatoes for dinner... Watermelon and a small dish of ice cream for snack. Then today I had a piece of toast lightly buttered and lightly apple buttered and a cup of milk... lunch was just the red potatoes and more watermelon because we are headed to my M-I-L's for dinner and she made pasta and sauce. Plus she's always got good stuff.) but I'm not hungry. Okay maybe a little bit at the moment... but I'm holding strong!

Last night was an emotional night for me.

1. It was the THIRD night in a row that my husband was unavailable to help me with dinner and the child.

2. It was 93 degrees!

3. Friday is our New Recipe night and I made Chili Cheese Dog Bake. Unfortunately... the recipe said to use a 9x13 pan but there wasn't enough chili to cover the bottom of the pan. I opted for using an 8x8 pan instead and unfortunately... too many sliced hot dogs and the biscuits never baked the whole way through. I found myself on the floor, sweating like a pig and ugly crying.

Hubs texted me to tell me he was on the way home at 7:30p. He's usually home by 5 at the latest and I told him I was miserable and if he didn't have a soda I wanted nothing to do with him... I was joking. Kind of. But he brought me one anyway. It wasn't really worth it, if I'm honest. But I can't un-drink it. I can only work harder today to make up for it.

But... Today we decided to hit a little farm stand that we like to use. We ended up getting a HUGE seedless watermelon, some peaches, blueberries, corn on the cob, red potatoes, 2 lemons and a bag of salted, shelled peanuts.

TB LOVED the blueberries and couldn't seem to eat them fast enough. The Hubs and I each had a peach and I realized I'm not a fan of the fuzzy outside. Once I peeled the outside off it was really yummy. I am also trying out my infusing water bottle. I cut up a lemon into a couple wedges (after I washed the outside just in case) and put it in the fridge. I'm not big on lemon in my water... but I'll try it.

For dinner... we are having the chili dog bake, corn on the cob and watermelon. I can NOT wait! I have been craving watermelon for weeks now. It'll be YUMMY!

And I plan on taking a walk. It's hot and sunny out but it's windy so I am going to use that to my advantage. Hoping to get some walking in as well and I'm still not sure about the jump rope... but we'll see. :D

To be honest... I have a long way to go. People tell you not to look at how far you have to go but at how far you've come and yes, that's true in a sense but sometimes you have to be realistic. I think, in those days that you really struggle to find motivation and inspiration and strength to be better... You have to remember that it didn't all pile on in one day.

I am happy with my progress. I never really believed I could achieve this but it's slowly becoming a reality. I guess... I never really believed in myself. I always feel like I am thin and I always picture myself being small and sexy... but then I sit in that chair it cuts off my circulation in my legs because it's too small. Or that really cute top I bought without trying on in the size I thought I was honestly doesn't fit but I'm too proud to return it. It's denial. I believe you can be big and beautiful and sexy... but every time I look in the mirror I feel sick. Literally, sick. I feel sick at the way my stomach is so big and pouchy. And the way my arm flab just wiggles in the wind. Or the way I look absolutely miserable and unhappy. It sickens me.

For so long I have blamed others for my size. It was easier to make someone else the bad guy and not have to take responsibility for what was going on. The truth is that I have to stand up and accept that this is no longer anyone else's fault but my own. I am in charge of my body. Sure, others can be unhelpful and can be enablers or maybe even sabotagers. They don't shove food in my mouth or sugary drinks down my throat. I have the ability to say no or to say yes and take some of something in moderation.

I look forward to my "Cheat Days". It gives me a chance to let go and enjoy all the things I've denied myself all week. Some people will say that being strict and denying yourself certain things is bad and damaging... but I believe it's all in what works for you. I know if there's soda and pizza, chocolate and ice cream, I'm going to go for that over salad and broiled chicken. That's just me. That's why it's no longer in my house and if it is... It's a special occasion. By not having it around I can't be tempted by it. It allows me to focus on myself and fill myself with good stuff or maybe even better for me but still not entirely great stuff.

It's a struggle. A constant daily battle between what is right and wrong and willpower. On those days that I do really well... I am beyond proud. On the days that I really struggle to maintain my sanity... I pick myself back up and try again.

Because... I am amazing.
  Because I CAN do this.
     Because I WILL do this.

2.08

My goal today was 3 miles but I had a pleasant surprise visit from my mother in law. She happened to be turning onto the road when I was at the corner and asked if I wanted a ride or if that would be cheating. I laughed and said it was cheating and that I'd meet her back at the house. She wasn't really here to see me but to drop off a couple things for my husband and of course, visit with the TB. I totally could have gone more. I was feeling good, even though it was 93 degrees out (Luckily the sun was behind the clouds and there was a bit of a breeze). I even ran about a quarter of a mile. Which I've never done. I can't complain!

I bought a jump rope today. I considered a kid's one but they had these ones with weighted handles and that's what I got. I haven't had a chance to try it... but I can't wait. I haven't jump roped in FOREVER. Maybe tomorrow I'll get some time to try it out.

This past week I dropped another 2lbs. This puts me at 310.2. I can't remember the last time I weighed that or... the last time I weighed that and KNEW it. I am so close to my goal of 299... But I have to get another doctor's note for my next goal of 250. I am kicking ass this summer and I feel great. I actually went to TJ Maxx and tried on a tank top (over my clothes... so I knew it wouldn't fit right) and it actually went on. I couldn't pull it down... but even so. That made my day!

Tomorrow I plan on taking measurements again. I can't find my last two readings... but I know I've dropped a couple inches.

I got this.

Remember.... Life begins at the end of your comfort!

"Just write. If you just write... The words will come out."

If only that was true.

I've been sitting here, staring at the blank screen, that's waiting and begging to be written on and I can only draw a blank. I feel like anything I might have to say... I've already said. That it'll all be lost in space where no one will ever read. Some days, I pray that my writing will inspire someone. That one day someone will say that I touched their lives in ways they never imagined. To touch a single life with compassion... when we're too hard on ourselves... or with humor... when it's been a crappy day and you just need to let loose with a belly laugh. To bring some sunshine into someone's dark world. To fill the empty spaces in their hearts with love and light and joy.

This is my desire but I can't do this for anyone but me. I can't do it to inspire other people. I can't do this to make myself more attractive to my partner, or to be able to have more babies. I can't even do this for my son. I have to do it for me.

And... In doing this for me... I am finding joy in the journey and I need to just enjoy and focus on myself.