To be honest... I have a long way to go. People tell you not to look at how far you have to go but at how far you've come and yes, that's true in a sense but sometimes you have to be realistic. I think, in those days that you really struggle to find motivation and inspiration and strength to be better... You have to remember that it didn't all pile on in one day.

I am happy with my progress. I never really believed I could achieve this but it's slowly becoming a reality. I guess... I never really believed in myself. I always feel like I am thin and I always picture myself being small and sexy... but then I sit in that chair it cuts off my circulation in my legs because it's too small. Or that really cute top I bought without trying on in the size I thought I was honestly doesn't fit but I'm too proud to return it. It's denial. I believe you can be big and beautiful and sexy... but every time I look in the mirror I feel sick. Literally, sick. I feel sick at the way my stomach is so big and pouchy. And the way my arm flab just wiggles in the wind. Or the way I look absolutely miserable and unhappy. It sickens me.

For so long I have blamed others for my size. It was easier to make someone else the bad guy and not have to take responsibility for what was going on. The truth is that I have to stand up and accept that this is no longer anyone else's fault but my own. I am in charge of my body. Sure, others can be unhelpful and can be enablers or maybe even sabotagers. They don't shove food in my mouth or sugary drinks down my throat. I have the ability to say no or to say yes and take some of something in moderation.

I look forward to my "Cheat Days". It gives me a chance to let go and enjoy all the things I've denied myself all week. Some people will say that being strict and denying yourself certain things is bad and damaging... but I believe it's all in what works for you. I know if there's soda and pizza, chocolate and ice cream, I'm going to go for that over salad and broiled chicken. That's just me. That's why it's no longer in my house and if it is... It's a special occasion. By not having it around I can't be tempted by it. It allows me to focus on myself and fill myself with good stuff or maybe even better for me but still not entirely great stuff.

It's a struggle. A constant daily battle between what is right and wrong and willpower. On those days that I do really well... I am beyond proud. On the days that I really struggle to maintain my sanity... I pick myself back up and try again.

Because... I am amazing.
  Because I CAN do this.
     Because I WILL do this.