This entry isn't really weight-loss related...

And maybe on some level it is.

I don't know.

I feel so frustrated with everything and everyone in my life. Sometimes I wish I could just pack up... walk away and never look back. Some days I'm convinced that no one would ever miss me and other days I know there are people who would.

I'm just so sick of the empty and broken promises from people. I'm tired of relying on other people when it's so damn clear to me that the only person I can rely on is myself.

And half the time I can't even rely on myself anymore.

I'm so unhappy with where I am. I am unhappy in my job. My living situation. I'm unhappy with people in my life.

I know that running away wouldn't fix anything. Problems just follow you wherever you are... but sometimes I think it'd be nice to fall off the face of the earth... even if only for a little while.

I just want to give up on everything but it's not possible. I know this is just a meltdown kind of day and I'm just way too tired... but I'm so tired of feeling like this.

I want my own place.

I want to know what it's like to be happy again. To be self-sufficient. To be free.

Instead... I just feel squashed. Beaten down. Tired.

*Sad Face*

I am spiraling out of control and I feel like I am powerless to stop it.

Goals for this Week:

0. Give it to God
1. NO SODA
2. Walking 30 minutes a day.
3. Stay within Points Range

Dear Amy;

I tried to write this in a comment to your comment but it deleted before I could finish writing or post. So I figured I'd dedicate an entry to your recent comment.

My Family.

My whole family is big... even our dogs. 

My mom: I love her to death but she's such an enabler. Once in a while I like to enjoy a soda. I like to buy them on my own just buy one at a time because then I'm not tempted to down three in a day or spend a lot of money I don't have buying more than one. Once in a while, I ask my mom to buy me one and she'll get one... then two... then a six pack. I know she does it because she wants to make me happy, but she doesn't understand it. When I tell her not to buy me anymore, she'll laugh and be like "doing this again?" Well yeah. Kinda. I'm really trying. 

My dad: he's diabetic and is supposed to be watching what he eats and how much. Recently he's taken himself completely off all his meds, refuses to go to the doctor and has been smoking more and more and more. He's a PB Cup fiend. He doesn't know how to take small portions and often, because mom wants to please him, she lets him get his food first and he takes so much there's barely enough for anyone else. He's big into the sugary stuff. Cookies, cakes, doughnuts. You know that kind.

My brother: doesn't really live here anymore, but growing up he was the same. He was picky and so most nights it was chicken nuggets, burgers, steak, pot roast... you know what I mean? Which is fine but at the same time we were never really exposed to all the other stuff out there.

I can remember being in elementary school and we'd spend our weekends on the boat on the lake. Mom and I would be laying on the back while we made our way down the Erie Canal and she'd just say, "We're going on a diet. You and me. We're going to drink water and eat veggies and fruit. We'll be skinny mini's." That usually lasted until lunch time or dinner. Or when someone opened the cooler and took out a pepsi.

Every night we always got some kind of snack before bed. Usually it was a dish of ice cream. Friday/saturday's we had pizza and wings and popcorn and soda. Soda used to be for special occasions... like Christmas. Holidays were a whole 'nother mess. We'd have these "Happy Fizzy Parties" where mom would cut up cheese and put out chips, pretzels, peanuts, dip, pepperoni... etc. They were always about being together and sharing in family time but looking back it seemed more like it was about the food.

My family has got to be one of the biggest culprits of wasted food. Every week mom and dad go grocery shopping, but they buy things we already have in the pantry. We have a lot of canned goods/boxed goods and condiments in the pantry that have expired or have multiples. They've gotten in the habit of opening something... using it till there's maybe one serving left and then opening a new one. It's so irritating because at any given time there will be three bottles of ranch, two giant mayo jars, two bags of lettuce -- one brown and wilted, 2 to 3 cartons of ice cream in the freezer and a ton of hot dogs. I'm waiting for them to go away for a day so I can clean out!

I lived on my own for a while and I did good. I lost 23 lbs in one summer... mostly cause all I ate were popsicles but it was only because it was hot, I didn't have AC and it was just what I wanted. My pantry had some canned goods and boxed goods and a lot of baking. My fridge was mostly bare other than essentials and left-overs and the same with the freezer. I used my crock pot a lot and made hearty stews and saved them and I usually finished a loaf of bread before buying new. Moving back in with my parents was a huge shock to me after that. I get so disgusted sometimes and it's like asking them to clear off a shelf for me to keep my stuff is like asking them to stop the world from spinning. I didn't think it was that big of a request but honestly, it took 3 years just to get a spot for a bucket in the cupboard. At one point I had cleaned off the top shelf of the fridge and lined my stuff (milk, yogurt, cheese etc) along the wall and kept to myself, but every time I opened the fridge it was all moved around and shoved to the back. I spent my hard earned money on the food and then it got lost in the back and wasted.

When I was with my ex, we struggled horribly with finances. It was a huge mess and there were times we had to decide on paying rent or buying food. We were even going to the food cupboard just to survive. It gave me a new appreciation for what I had and what I was given and it angers me that they can be so careless with it... especially since my mom lost her job and we've struggled making ends meet. 

I try to make my own foods sometimes and I try to share it but it's so hard. It's almost like they say, "You can live here... but you can't". If dad's asleep on the couch, which is more often than not, you can't make any noise. If it's not that then they're picking on you to the point that it's like... just forget it. They don't realize that sometimes they take it too far and hurt feelings, but you're in the wrong if your feelings are hurt. 

I wanted to get a mini-fridge and keep it in my bedroom. Just something I could keep water in and maybe mini-ice creams or ice cream sandwiches or popsicles and yogurt. But the wiring in the house is messed up and it more than likely blow the whole thing. I had a wooden tray that I painted and I put it on top of the fridge for my snacks... but the many bags of pretzels and potato chips have found their way into it. Honestly, if we were to throw away EVERYTHING... all the junk food and all the crap... I'd be fine with it. I don't ever really want it... but it's that mindset that something is there and I'm going to eat it. 

An unhealthy living situation and I feel like there's no way out of it. I have a small wicker basket in the pantry where I keep some canned goods and bread crumbs and some other little things and when I went to get something out of it... someone had filled it with bottles of chemicals and dog shampoo. I'm at my wit's end and the only way to stop it is to move out and into my own place. But I have a hard time with that because of my credit.

I like to work out. I like to walk/run and I have DVDs that I enjoy, but my parents always make fun of me for doing it. They think they're being funny but instead of mocking me and picking on me why not throw me a thumb's up when I'm finishing my walk on the treadmill. Or how about trying to work out WITH me. I have no space of my own and my bedroom is too small to do anything in it... although I was doing C25K on just a small bath rug on the floor next to my bed. 

I feel so alone in this fight. I know I have supporters but they all seem so far away. I need someone I can push and who will push me. Who will encourage me and make me work for it. I know I can do this, but sometimes circumstances make it all that much harder. I'm not even allowed to keep a cutting board and measuring spoons/cups and a food scale in the kitchen. How am I supposed to succeed?

Anyway... I took some photos in hopes that you will see what I am talking about.

This is my fridge/freezer. I didn't get pics of the drawers in the fridge but they're full too. The two boxes of popsicles are mine and yes, there's about 6 packs of hot dogs in the freezer door alone!

In the top picture, the black "box" is my "snack space"... the other basket is full of bags of chips and popcorn and pretzels. The middle picture shows two packages of cookies and a double fudge chocolate cake. Add a pack of xtra large blueberry muffins and a box of doughnuts too please! The bottom picture is of all the bread we usually have. There's 3 bags of hot dog/hamburger buns, two loaves of white bread, pringles and Italian bread.

The top left corner is the mini-freezer. Usually it's full of frozen meals and ice cream... and more hot dogs. The top right and bottom left are of the mini-fridge. There's mostly snapple in these pics but only because mom and dad haven't gone to walmart and bought the pepsi and coke.

This is our pantry.

I didn't take pics of the cupboards in the kitchen... 

But now you know what I have to contend with. I wish there was some way to get through to them about what they're doing and that they're not only hurting themselves but me as well. 

Someday.... Someday... Maybe... *Sigh*

Happy Losing!

Yesterday was my final day of vacation this summer and it was a blast!

My friend and I went to a Taughannock Falls State Park on Cayuga Lake. We started our day by walking up the river in our bare feet. It was a 3/4mi walk over rock and some watery spots. My balance was most definitely off. At the end was supposed to be some 200+ foot waterfall. Because of the droughts going on... it was barely even there. We put on our sneakers and walked the 3/4mi back to the main park. Before, I probably couldn't have been able to do it without getting winded and needed a break... but I did just fine. It was a lot of fun!

After that we decided to have some lunch... which I packed. I bought these pita shells (100 calories a piece) with Italian herb... a couple single packs of lunch meat and some cheese. I also cut up watermelon and had chocolate covered strawberries (DELISH!) and some cheez-it's. I packed the cooler with water because it was supposed to be hot out... but it wasn't too bad. Lunch was really good and tasty.

After lunch we went down to the beach and did some swimming for an hour. The water was so cold but it felt so good to finally go swimming! I've been craving it all summer! 

I came home exhausted and sunburnt with a splitting headache but it was so very worth it. We had a lot of fun and will be planning our next adventure soon! I wish I'd worn my Fitbit though so I could have tracked all the walking we did... but I was afraid of it getting wet in case I fell on my butt. I definitely got my workout in!!

Happy Losing! :-)

I must apologize for my previous post. It was too early in the morning and I'd barely gotten any sleep and was way too emotional.

To the person who commented on it... Thank you.

I went to the store today and bought myself a half gallon of fat-free milk so I would hopefully, stop drinking my parents whole milk. Sometimes it just tastes too good.

I'm about to seriously go over my points for today. I have a whopping 2 left for dinner and dessert... And I'm pretty sure I blew through all my extra points as well at some point this week. I guess for tomorrow I will just try to stay within my limit for the day and not go crazy. 

Falling off the wagon is so hard. At least for me. Most people have figured out how to brush off and start over. I just go into a downward spiral faster than I can scream. It's almost like I mess up thursday (the day my week starts over) and then it's like... I already messed up so I'll start over next week. I need to get out of this mindset. 

My parents went grocery shopping which left me home alone for a bit. A very rare treat for me! After I got mad at myself for sitting here eating potato chips and drinking a soda, I popped in Chris Powell's The Workout DVD and did level 1. 

Yeah, yeah. 15 minutes of low-impact workout. Seems easy? Ah-Ha! 

My legs literally feel like jello and my tummy feels tight. It feels good and I think it was just the boost that I needed. 

Just because I am on vacation this week doesn't mean, in any way, shape or form, that I can just simply give up. I refuse to give up.

Chris Powell has been an inspiration to me. His compassion and his huge caring heart for the people he works with just amazes me. He never belittles them or forces them to do anything, he encourages them to change and better themselves. What I wouldn't give to be on his show! I just need that person in my face, pushing me and encouraging me. 

I feel renewed and excited. I am breaking open my Temptation Jar this week for a trip to the Falls on friday with a friend. It won't give me much but it'll be something to help with the costs and a wonderful way to reward myself for not giving in to temptation these past few months. I can't wait! My friend and I are going to hike to the falls (it's only like a mile and half) and then spend the day on the beach and have a picnic... Which I am buying all the stuff so it's up to me what goes in the cooler! :-)

Anyway... I'm in a much better place right now than I was this morning. Thank you my loyal and faithful readers.

Much love and keep losing!

I'm not so sure what happened.

I was doing well. Tracking all my foods. Moving (maybe not working out per-se but moving nonetheless).

And then something inside me kind of snaps and I give up. Why are mondays so damn rough?

Honestly, I feel like I'm losing it. I start a new program or start over and I do really well for a while and then it's like I just quit. I bought four new workout dvd's and I haven't done a single one yet.

But that's partly because of my home-life.

I haven't been sleeping well lately and right now it's 6am and I'm so tired I can barely keep my eyes open. I just want to collapse into my pillow and cry. Something is really struggling inside me.

Some days I wish there was an easy fix to this. Some days I wish I could wake up and be 100lbs lighter. Some days... I wish I never let it get this bad.

I wish I had money for a personal trainer. Someone to come and push me. Make me do it. I wish I had the money to buy my own groceries so I could buy fresh fruits. I wish I had money to get my own place because I KNOW I would thrive.

Here.... Here I just sink.

Birthday Lunch With Jeffy.

For MY birthday, I told Jeff (my brother) he could take me to get my next tattoo. That was a no-go so I told him I'd buy him lunch. We chose Olive Garden.

Probably not the greatest choice... but honestly, I'm proud of myself.

First... I ordered two drinks. A Dr. Pepper and a Water. I was so happy that I drank the entire glass of water before I even touched the Dr. Pepper... So I didn't really want/need a refill.

I had the salad with little dressing on it... I always flip it upside down and get the leafy greens on the bottom. They are usually a little less drenched.

I had three breadsticks total.

For my entree... I chose the stuffed chicken marsala. It seems OG's plates have either gotten bigger... or their portions have been slashed.

I got two piece of chicken... probably 4oz a piece (judging by my palm) and not a whole lot of sauce. There was a half cup (Again... just judging) of garlic mashed potatoes... and they were delish! And I only ate ONE piece of chicken and patiently waited for the waitress to bring me a box for the other piece!

For dessert I caved and had the Tiramisu. But honestly... that's all I've had all day pretty much.  Haven't calculated on points where I'm at for today but I'm pretty happy.

I didn't feel like I splurged too much but I didn't restrict myself either. I stopped when I was full and I didn't chug the soda.

See... It might not always show on my body... but it's showing in my choices and thinking...

OG -- ZERO
Me -- ONE!