I've been MIA lately....

... The holidays seem to take over every aspect of my life. I'm the baker in the family... which actually works out for me. I tend to be super critical of my meals/treats. Everyone says the things I make are delicious, but a lot of times I don't think so. Because of this... I tend not to chow down as much as I might if someone else made it. Although... there are certain cookies that I LOVE and will eat.

My husband bought me a Fitbit Charge 2 for Christmas. I am so glad because my old one (Which I bought way back before Fitbit was popular!) was pretty much useless. It was cracked and refused to hold charge. I am getting used to this one and so far I am enjoying it. It's fancy and I am so tickled with it.

I am up on the scale the last few weeks. 309.4 so not too bad but not great. I am planning on cutting out the soda on the 1st of the year. I am trying to be decent this week but so far... not so great. We are doing New Years Resolutions this week at TOPS and I am planning on putting down that I want to lose 10lbs. I did it this summer and I know I can do it now. The program runs from the first week of Jan until the 1st week of March. Plenty of time to get it down and more. :)

Well... Fitbit says It's time for bed... lol

Merry Christmas and may your 2017 be filled with love, happiness and good health!

Even if you can't physically see the results in front of you, every single effort is changing your body from the inside... Never Get Discouraged...

This is something I honestly struggle with in my daily life. I have dropped from 379 (at my heaviest in 2014 while pregnant with my son) to 301. My clothes fit better and i have more energy and am more active and eating better, but I don't see the results when I look at myself. I still have that flap of skin that flops over the side of my pants. I still have the wavy bat arms. I don't SEE the changes... but I know they are there. I know that I no longer need to have blood work every 6 months anymore. I know that all my health levels are where they should be and are exemplary. I just don't SEE the loss. But it's there and I must remember that.

So... this past week I lost 5.6lbs which puts me at 301. I was shocked. I've been trying to keep track (up until the weekends) and doing the 3 mile burn body fat and something... or all of it... is working. Tomorrow is our Thanksgiving at my brothers and then we're doing another one friday for just us. My plan is to enjoy the food that we have but not treat it like it's my last meal. There will be other turkey dinners and pies and the likes.

Strength....

You are only as strong as you allow yourself to be; never get discouraged, never give up because consistency & dedication is the key to success.

I have been religiously (I guess...) following Leslie Sansone's Walk Away The Pounds 3 mile HIIT DVD. It kind of kicks my butt but in a good way. It's about 15 miles (if I do 5 days a week... which is about my average. I like to give myself a break here and there) a week if I keep on it. That's not including raking leaves and walking with my little Man. Although, this morning, it was great. Usually I walk during his nap time but I wanted to get it out of the way early today... and he was doing some of it with me. There are a couple parts where you walk forward and backwards and side to side and he was right there with me. Although, his workout usually ended up in spinning until he got dizzy and fell down giggling... it was heart warming. Plus... during the middle of mile 2, he brought my water bottle out for me. What a little sweetheart!

So... For my TOPS rally I got a couple charms. I wanted to do something with them so I could see them and use them... So I bought a really long chain from Wal-Mart for like $3 and put them on there. I should jazz it up a little bit, but I kind of like where it is... It's nice to have a visual reminder of how far I've already come and there's plenty of room for more charms... Which I hope to add to it as my journey continues. 

Current Weight: 305.2

Goal Weight (For now...): 250

These are the charms. The Tiger was from attending the Rally Days. The Giraffe was from being Division I Winner and the Sun was for 2nd place Summers Best. The halfway to goal is from when I reached halfway to my first goal.

This is what it looks like. Although, I did lengthen the chain cause I like that it's long.

Walk It Off

So after my ego boost at the Dr's office yesterday... I decided to treat myself to a new workout video. I feel kind of guilty because I could have gotten a TON online... but at the same time my internet doesn't always work (I live in NY and if a squirrel farts in Miami Beach... My internet goes out!) so it'll be a nice thing to fall back on. The only problem with getting videos on Youtube is that a lot aren't long enough. Maybe I just haven't looked enough...

I like to sweat. It makes me feel accomplished. It makes me feel like I'm getting a worthy workout and I think that's why I want videos that are longer than 20 minutes or 10 minutes. The shorter ones will be good for days I don't have a ton of time... or maybe as a mood booster. But we'll see.

I can't wait to start!

ps. I feel like most of my entries are bs entries. lol...

Six-Month Checkup

According to the doctor's scale... I lost 25 lbs in 6 months.

The doctor couldn't believe it. She asked what I had been doing and didn't believe me when I told her mostly walking and eating salads. She was super impressed. All my important numbers have actually normalized and are exceptional. She took me off of Fish Oil (for my Hypertension) but doesn't want to take me off the meds just yet. I am two numbers away from dropping to the next level of BMI.

I asked, just out of curiosity, what the ultimate weight would be for me. She didn't really give me an answer... which is okay but kind of frustrating at the same time. She just wants me to keep going the pace I'm going. She also suggested that I keep a journal and just write something positive. Like... my jeans were loose... so that when I hit rough patches I can look back and remember. She also suggested getting some workout videos for the winter months when it's nasty out. I have a couple but maybe I'll look around and see what else is out there.

I can't believe how floored she was by my progress. This was kind of the kick I needed to get back on track.

I am now 306.4 lbs.

OooHHHH!!! My TOPS rally was last month and I found out why my leader wanted me there so badly.

I was division winner for overall loss this year. (18.8)
I was 2nd place for Summer's Best. (16.2) (I actually got a charm for this!)
Then I got an award for even losing weight this year and for attending my first Rally.

Next year I kind of want to do the Baggy Clothes parade and wear my wedding dress. Not sure if it would be from my first wedding (Which would be HUGE on me) or the one from when I was 8 months pregnant. We'll see. :)

Accountability...

... Is the glue that ties commitment to... Results.

In my previous post I mentioned that I wasn't hoping for much in the way of a loss last night at weigh-in. I was right... but it wasn't as bad as I anticipated. I only gained 2.8 to bump me back up to 306.4 lbs. Chump... Change. I can lose that this week and MAYBE a little more.

I've been slacking on the walking for some time now. With the weather being cool and rainy, it's been hard to find motivation. Yesterday, Little Man and I walked 1.5 miles. He got to be pulled in the wagon, so i wonder if it was more of a work-out than before with the stroller. But he enjoyed it and I felt better.

I got $50 in spending money to get whatever I wanted. I chose to get a new pair of jammies and a new shirt. Both in 22/24. I tried the shirt on this morning and it's really tight. I hate how sizes are so off. The jammies fit comfy. Not too big but not tight either. It's so frustrating. Now I have to decide if I am going to keep the shirt until it fits or take it back and get another one or just take it back and be done. I have a lot of guilt when I buy myself something. I got half way home with my new purchase and I almost turned around to take them back. I started thinking about how my husband's birthday is coming up. How Christmas is coming. My dad's birthday. Little Man needs clothes.... We need money for groceries. On and On and On.

But anyway... On to a new week. :-) Hoping to do better this week and get back in control. I already know that Sunday we are having junk food... So I will be good up until and after so that I can have a "cheat" day... But I have already declared it a soda-free week. We'll see how long that lasts. :)

I admit that I have been struggling these past two weeks. I hate having to miss a meeting each month but I have committed to taking my Little Guy to Family Fun Night at the end of the month... Which happens to fall on Tuesdays at 6 p. 

His birthday party was last weekend and we had quite a bit of junk. I barely ate that day (mostly cause I was so busy setting up and mingling...) but I made up for it. The two bags of Chex Mix... Yeah I ate it. I tried to pawn off what I could on guests but they were unwilling. Some things we just tossed cause we knew we wouldn't eat them. I sent snacks to work with the Husband and made him take about 20 cupcakes to work... but then I ate the rest of them. 

I did walk this week past week with Munchkin while we could. Nothing too crazy but we got some good walks in. Yesterday, I put on a pair of jeans that I haven't worn in a LONG time and they were huge! I had to rig the zipper up with a key ring cause it tends to fall down, but I constantly pulling them up. Pretty soon I am going to be putting away the summer clothes and I think I am going to purge. I will be getting rid of a good part of my wardrobe... which makes me sad but excited. I asked my husband if I could get some new stuff next year. Definitely a new bathing suit.

Heading to the Apple Shed today with my family. Can't wait to get apples and make applesauce in the crock-pot. One of my faves! Not looking forward to weigh-in... but I can accept whatever the numbers and have no one to blame but myself!

Nothing to report lately. 

 One word of advice... Don't count on your shadow to give you an accurate representation of how big or how little you are. It often lies and plays games.

Lost 0.4 this week. Not a huge loss but better than a gain! 

She was unstoppable not because she did not have failures or doubts but because she continued on despite them... (Beau Taplin)

So last week I gained 4lbs and went back up to 309. I admit that I didn't do so well last week. I had several sodas, desserts, greasy burgers, pasta... I did do some walking but not nearly what I have been doing.

I wasn't expecting much last night at weigh-in but I was pleasantly surprised to learn I had lost 5lbs. I couldn't be biggest loser because I wasn't at the meeting last week... but I was happy nonetheless.

Little Man is sleeping, so I'm catching up on quiet things around the house. I turned the television on and am watching Roseanne. It's one of the episodes where Roseanne and Dan are dieting. They get rid of all the junk food and exercise more. At one point, Roseanne goes in the bathroom to take a hot bath and once the doors are closed, she pulls out a container of Pringles and sits in the tub eating them. How many times have I done that? No one is around to witness it so it doesn't count, right? I'm trying really hard to break that habit. If I buy a beef jerky stick at the store, I write it down. Sure... No one else sees it but it's still there.

My husband thinks my metabolism has finally kicked on and good grief, I hope so! I need all the help I can get on this journey! It kind of feels like it because I feel more full all the time and therefore eat less. I think I'm finally over my little slump and beginning to get back into things. I've decided not to keep track of the miles I walk but rather to make sure I get some kind of exercise in. I figure two miles a day is better than none!

I had the privilege of taking a mini-vacation with my boys this weekend. We drove out to the zoo and stayed in a hotel. It was a nice hotel, not five-star, but it wasn't shabby either. The bathroom had one of those full wall mirrors and right across from it was the shower. With all glass walls and sliding glass door. I forced myself to take a good long, hard look at what I looked like, full-length, as I was taking a shower the other day.

It maddened me.

Then it really saddened me.

Buried in all that fat and flubber is a little girl who never felt like she was good enough. Who never felt pretty enough. Who never felt smart enough or strong enough or funny enough. She was bullied and picked on. Made fun of by people who she was closest to and who she trusted.

She just wants to be loved.

So... To any of you who feel inferior... for ANY reason... I love you. I think you're beautiful. You have a purpose. You are worthy and I am glad you're here.

And... to the little girl inside me... we'll get there. We are in this together and we'll figure it out. We might have hit a small snag this past month, but we know what to do and how to do it. You hold my hand and I'll hold yours and we'll make it out of this. And all those scars and broken pieces of our heart... They are just proof that we've lived and they show others the fires we've been through... and survived. 

The Wedding Dress

August 23, 2014 (379 lbs) & August 25th 2016 (304.2 lbs)

So... Here it is. The Side By Side of the wedding dress. That dress is Custom Measured by the website I bought it from. Keep in mind that in the first photo I am 8 months pregnant. I should have taken my shirt off in the second photo to see how the top lays on me... but you can clearly see how big it is on me. Plus, the fact that I can actually wear clothes UNDERNEATH it shows how big it is on me now! How freaking incredible is this photo?

I actually DO have a real life neck... lol.

Still have a LONG way to go but I am most definitely getting there and TBH... Seeing these photos and my husband's reaction... I am proud of where I am and how far I've come. It's been such a short amount of time that I really started kicking ass on this and this all just makes me more determined.

So excited!

I didn't get the picture of the dress tonight...

By the time the Husband got home it was late and we went for a nice walk. Then home for dinner. It wasn't my usual haul ass kind of walk but I figure that any kind of movement is worth it.

Still struggling to find the motivation lately. But it's still there. Somewhere.

I bought a new shirt today. It was a size 22/24 and it's snug but not uncomfortable. I'm getting there. Slowly but surely.

Look For Something Positive....

... Even if some days you have to look a little harder.

Alright, alright, alright. I've been MIA I know. Last week Little Guy and I had Vacation Bible School. It usually starts at 6pm and goes until 8pm so I didn't get much of a chance to update or even walk for that matter. I've taken a few walks here and there but nothing like I was. Luckily they are calling for it to be warm through October so I still have a few months to get some good stuff in before the cold settles.

In the last two weeks I have lost another 2.8 lbs... Despite our TOPS picnic last tuesday and then the husband and I hitting Cheesecake Factory to celebrate our anniversary. I was particularly surprised considering that I haven't been exercising lately either... other than just rushing around and dancing at VBS. But I'll take it. 

I really need to do a side-by-side comparison of myself two years ago. I am actually planning on doing this and putting on my Wedding dress. Considering that 2 years ago I was nearing 379 lbs (although I was 8 mos pregnant at the time) and this year I am a svelte 304.2. 

Fitbit went on a bit of an adventure. I had taken it off and set it on the edge of the couch one night and the next morning it was gone. No idea where it had gone (didn't really look too hard lol) but figured it would show up eventually. Well... I was getting ready to go somewhere and went in the kitchen by the door. In the box next to the door was Fitbit among a pile of Little Guy's cars/vehicles. He'd grabbed it and threw it in the box with his toys. I couldn't even be mad... lol. So now it's charging and I can start wearing it again.

Hopefully pictures to come sometime this week. I'd really like to do the wedding dress one but we'll see. I already know I can fit in it wearing jeans and a hoodie but would still really like to have a side-by-side.

Happy Losing!

Don't Let Your Struggle Become Your Identity.

It's hot. It's 90 degrees but it feels like 98. It's hot.

But I "forced" myself to go for a walk. I wanted to do 3 miles but I was happy with 2 miles. I ended up with 2.75 mi. I'm happy with that.

I'm happy and hungry.

I'm proud of myself because of a non-exercise victory. Today, little man and I visited my parents. I probably spoke about my mom before but if I haven't, or you don't want to look back, my mom is a HUGE enabler and junk food junkie. She's always offering candy and cookies and soda and chips... Its ridiculous. Well... Today I planned for our visit and packed Little Man some fruit and some "healthier" cookies (Teddy Grahams...) and when he got hungry, he had those. She offered him cheese curls but then gave me a dirty look when I said no thank you. I don't mind Little Man having that stuff once in a while, but I try VERY hard to give him a balanced diet and limit that kind of stuff. Then, my mom kept asking me if I wanted a little microwave pizza and I politely refused. She tried to pawn off Pepsi and snack cakes and chips and I just told her I wasn't hungry. I was but I usually wait until Little Man goes down for nap because it's like my special time. Instead, I had a great big glass of water and didn't bring anything home.

A friend's wedding is tomorrow. Not sure what kind of food will be there... But I'm going to try my best to behave but still enjoy. 

Sometimes Following Your Heart....

... Means Losing Your Mind.

This. This was me today.

I turned into an absolute emotional basket-case this afternoon and I don't even know why. It was like everything that's been weighing on my heart just collapsed it to the point of I felt like I was being suffocated. It's a horrible feeling.

So... What did I do?

I walked. And I ran. I ran until my lungs and chest burned. I ran until my knees ached. I ran until sweat dripped and soaked my shirt.

And... I cried.

I. Cried.

But I feel better and I needed it. I needed the time to be alone with myself and work through my frustrations and anger and hurts. I needed to just be with God. I'm still sad... but it's not the desperate sad I was before dinner.

I'm so blessed that my husband lets me take off when I need to. I figure it's better for our relationship than to take everything out on him when it's clearly not him. He's been so great and said he understands that I don't always get time to myself... So it means a lot to me.

My girlfriend and I walked the kids to library this morning. It's a brutal two hill walk (about a mile total) and half way up she wanted to take off her shoes. I haven't done that in forever but it felt so good.

Also, I got my new weight goal from the doctor's office. It looks pretty sweet saying 250! I know to a lot of people that's still a really high number but for me... It's awesome! Considering at my heaviest, I was almost 400! I only have 8 more pounds until I'm finally out of the 3's and I am so ready for it.

Had every intention of getting up yesterday morning and taking a nice walk before it got too hot to breathe. Unfortunately... I got up and felt like I'd been run down by a bus. I was so exhausted I couldn't get out of bed. Ended up making pancakes for breakfast and then went back to bed. After sleeping on/off for about 2 hours I felt a LOT better. Not great but definitely better than when I'd woken up. So... no walk. I hated not going but I also know that pushing myself too hard isn't good either. 

My friend texted me this morning and asked if we wanted to go for a walk. So we did. It was only 1.64 mi but it's better than nothing and sometimes just the companionship is the best and most needed part. She's really great because she always compliments me. Like she noticed that my legs are solid and muscular. She said that now that I'm losing weight, my face looks cute. I know that sounds harsh but I know what she meant. It made me feel better though after all the negative feelings I'd had the last few days. 

So I haven't done too bad this weekend but I could definitely do better. We splurged and had a soda last night with pizza and I ended up going over my points but not too badly. Back on track today and hopefully I can do enough damage control... but I think I'm going to be okay this week. 

You have to fight through some bad days....

To earn the best days of your life...

Pre-Walk... 

Fitbit says it is ELEVEN flights of stairs to the TOP (the VERY top) of the hills.

Sweaty after 3.64 miles and 15 flights of stairs!

So... Last night was a total disaster. I made pork chops, roasted red potatoes, corn on the cob, stuffing and gravy for dinner. Well... The coating on the chops burnt but the chops were raw in the middle. The potatoes cooked for OVER an hour and were still uncooked. The corn turned orange and I forgot the stuffing until I was almost done with cooking. Was made at my husband for making me cook in 90 degree heat (with no A/c in the main part of the house). I was sweaty and miserable and a complete spicy disaster. Next time... I will spread the taters out more in a bigger pan. I will brown the chops on the stove then cook in the oven. Oh.. Well..

I am proud of myself for getting up and getting my walk in before the Bridal Shower. I did one trek around the block (about 2.56 miles and up the beast of the hill!) and then walked to the end of the road for an extra mile. If my knees weren't so sore, I might have made it 4 miles but I was running low on time and energy. 

I forgot to do my Pilates this morning. I planned on doing at least the two arm workouts, and give my legs a break, but I didn't. Hopefully I can squeeze it in this afternoon. 

I am currently at 10.46 miles for this week alone. Tomorrow is going to be another cooler day (and by cooler I mean 80's!) so I am going to attempt to at least get a decent walk tomorrow. 

Happy Friday

1. Pilates is kicking my butt! Literally! My thighs and hips are so sore. My arms are burning. I've upped my arms to two workouts (They're only like 6 or 7 minutes each) and am still struggling with the thigh one. Yesterday, I felt I was able to do more of it but today I was burning up!

2. Nectarines are still super yummy!

3. The munchkin and I walked 3.18 miles today. Fitbit says that we did 8 floors as well (that silly hill!)... I can definitely feel it. It feels good. I am hoping to get a couple decent walks in this weekend. Have a bridal shower tomorrow (but I should be able to walk in the a.m...) and then nothing going on Sunday. Should be cooler as well. Today it's expected to reach 90's. This weekend should be low 80's. 

4. For lunch I ate a salad... well it was lettuce with italian dressing. No extras. Then I had a Lean Cuisine Chicken Fried Rice. It was pretty tasty. Then I had a nectarine, 20 in-shell peanuts and a cup of milk. Not too bad! Pork chops, potatoes, corn on the cob and applesauce for dinner. Simple, yet yummy!

5. I tried on "THOSE JEANS" the other day again and they fit even better. Even with a 2 lb gain. That makes me EXTREMELY happy and excited. My new note from the doctor should be here tomorrow or early next week. I hope the right new weight is on it. But... I'll find out. 

6. The picture below is the most real you'll ever see me. I'm not pic into taking body pictures or anything like that (except for my private use...) but I just felt like taking these today. It makes me feel open and honest.

After a 3.18 mile walk... Exhausted!

1. Nectarines are DELICIOUS!

2. Salad is YUMMY!

3. Milk is good too! Especially cold!

I've been really struggling the last couple days with positive body-image. It's like I've mention before that I don't ever really see a difference in my body from losing weight. I can feel it. I can go longer distances without getting winded. I can go longer distances period. I just don't SEE the change. 

Today, my mom was looking for a shirt for my brother's impending wedding. We went back in the dressing rooms and of course there are mirrors. I looked at myself and just broke down and cried. I still have a long way to go. I felt so horrible and self-conscious. 

I texted my husband and told him how I felt and he was very sweet and reassuring. And then he told me that my legs are looking more toned and tight. He told me that when he hugs me... he can get his arms around me even more whereas several months ago he couldn't even touch his fingers. It made me feel better.

Everything I am doing, I know I am doing right. I'm eating more salads (again) and picking up on the fruit. I'm staying away from soda and ice cream (still allowing myself a treat here and there... like a pb cup). I'm doing Pilates (thighs and arms, right now, and it's definitely working!) and still walking.

(Post Walk Selfie 08-03-2016)

DETERMINATION is doing what needs to be done... Even when you don't feel like doing it.

Had a minor setback last night at weigh-in. I knew it could go either way, but it's always so disappointing when the scales tip in the wrong direction. I gained 2.4lbs to go back up to 310.8. Still not bad, considering what I've done thus-far.

I was sitting on my floor with my son yesterday morning and I was so disgusted by my chunky legs. You'd think that all the walking, there would be some type of toning. Maybe there is and I just don't see it yet.... So I decided that Pilates was a good choice. It's quiet, some routines are fifteen minutes or less... I started it yesterday and my legs and buns are so sore today!

I also decided to retry my FitBit. I've been having trouble with it keeping a charge but I thought I should give it another try. I miss wearing it and seeing the progress from the day. If it doesn't work, I guess I can ask Santa for a new one.

Sky's The Limit

Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon!

Short entry because Little Man is up and I need to get to the store before making Fajita Stuffed Chicken with Spanish Rice for dinner... Is your mouth watering? Cause mine is!

Walked today with a friend. She was telling me about all the marathons and such that she's completed and it made me jealous... in a good way. Jealous as in... I want to do that. We walked only 2.06 miles today but we did the BIG hill and truth be told... I made it to the top (while pushing little guy) without having to stop. That's a HUGE accomplishment! And this hill is a beast. I'm not exaggerating when I say it's big.

So... I got that going for me. I contemplated walking when the Husband gets home, but I think I'll skip. I feel good... I just don't want to over do it. Sometimes when I start to enjoy something, I do it until I get sick of it. Plus I know I need a rest. My head kind of hurts and I'm wicked tired.

Happy Weekend!

F.E.A.R

FEAR has two meanings...

Forget Everything And Run

 Or...

Face Everything And Rise.

I'll admit. I struggled to get my workout in tonight. By the time my husband got home, I was exhausted and falling asleep in the chair while Munchkin ran around. It was hot and I just wanted to take a shower and crawl into a nice cool bed and I didn't stop to get more milk.

*Sigh*

But... My husband was very supportive and told me I could go for a walk or I didn't have to. It was up to me but he'd take care of Munchkin so I could go. I love him. So I went. I decided to run when I could and felt like it... but I wasn't going to push it. My goal was 3 miles but like I said... I wasn't going to push it. 

I'm not sure how much I actually ran since I didn't run from a specific point to a specific point. I ran from the top of the hill to the stop sign. From the tree farm drive to the other one. From the edge of our property to the other. There was no rhyme or reason... I just did what I felt I could.

In the end... I beat my time. I previously did 3.12 miles in 1:10:20. Tonight I did 3.18 miles in 1:04:07.

Wow!

A friend on Facebook just asked how much weight I've lost. When I looked at the numbers.. I kind of can't believe it.

As of January 1, 2016 I have lost 40.6lbs.

As of June 1, 2016 I have lost 12.6lbs.

Those are numbers to be proud of! Only makes me wonder what my numbers will be at the end of the year... 

Far From What I Once Was...

... But Not Yet What I Am Going To Be.

1. My friend told me I am looking good. I'll take it!

2. There's a garbage bag of clothes in the bedroom that I have been meaning to donate for years and never have. I wanted to go through it one more time and make sure there wasn't anything I wanted in there. When I put them in the bag, they were all mostly too small. You know... Size 30/32 and 28/26. Just for giggles, I tried them all on and guess what... They are either too big or just right. It's seriously like going shopping for free!

3. Years ago I bought a pair of jeans and was NEVER able to fit into them. I bought them because I hoped, someday, they would fit and they haven't. I could not get them up over my thighs... How sad... but today I was able to get them up and on and even buttoned! They were snug but holy moley! Talk about a game changer right there!

4. I haven't been able to do many big walks lately because of the weather so I started C25K. It's only a half hour a day and I do it in the house, so it's like running in place. But still... It's better than nothing and it's better than sitting around doing nothing. Plus... I'm getting my sweat on. I bought these 3lbs hand weight for walking and I try to use them while I do the routine. Sometimes, I'll hold them over my head... anything to get rid of the arm jiggle.

I feel so good about myself it's ridiculous. I am so motivated to keep going and this was totally the boost I needed to keep going. Not that I'm not motivated, but when I look int he mirror, I don't see anything or anyone different. I just see... Me. I notice that my favorite clothes are getting too big. I can kind of see that my stomach is getting less lumpy. I guess I just needed to have some kind of validation that I'm doing a good job and I'm getting somewhere.

Got a long way to go but I am getting there. Going to have to visit the Doctor's office and get a new goal weight from them since I'm so close to my goal right now. Can't wait to see what the scale says this week. 

The Pain You Feel Today...

... Will Be The Strength You Feel Tomorrow.

Today is a rest day. I woke up this morning with my muscles aching... even in my stomach and sides and all I did was walk yesterday. Well... Kind of.

I've been trying to incorporate some kind of speed walking or running, as long as my body feels it's okay. I made my husband sit down and figure out *about* what I ran yesterday and it equates to around a half mile. A half mile. 

In school, we always had to run the dreaded mile and I always ended up walking and coming in last. Not that it was ever a race or competition but it always broke my spirit. It was torture. I've never really been fit. I've never really been thin. I've never been one to really like working out or even getting sweaty until my first marriage ended. I had such bad anxiety attacks that I'd HAVE to walk and on the really bad days, I'd have to RUN. The burning in my chest felt good and it was always easier to deal with the physical pain than the emotional. After that I got really into Zumba. Then it all fizzled out.

But I am getting around to liking the sweat. It doesn't bother me as much if I'm doing something good for me. Plus it makes the end-of-workout shower so much more enjoyable. 

When I walk/run I find that I am more focused on what's coming up and how I can get out of it. Here's how my walking routine goes...

* I walk all the way to the end of the road (1.2 mile) 

* I walk backwards up the small hill at the end, then walk to the edge of the tree farm property.

* I run (or try) from the edge of the tree farm property to the flooding driveway of the other side of the road and then walk to the end of our property.

* I run from the end of our property to the other end and then walk down to the end of the road.

Does that even make sense? If I do that THREE TIMES the running ends up to be about half mile. Not bad for someone who couldn't even make it to the end of the road without having to stop for a break!

Anyway... back to the thinking ahead... I find that I get more focused on if I'm going to be able to run the distances or if my knee hurts too bad. I have to stop thinking about this and just focus on where I am. I worry that I'll blow my knee out again or something worse, but if I listen to my body... I'll be okay. I just kept telling myself that I needed to stay in the moment and enjoy the moment.

So... I suppose that's all. My eating has been weak this weekend (Salad for lunch yesterday, then peanuts for a snack, then a small portion of chili cheese dog bake/corn on the cob/red potatoes for dinner... Watermelon and a small dish of ice cream for snack. Then today I had a piece of toast lightly buttered and lightly apple buttered and a cup of milk... lunch was just the red potatoes and more watermelon because we are headed to my M-I-L's for dinner and she made pasta and sauce. Plus she's always got good stuff.) but I'm not hungry. Okay maybe a little bit at the moment... but I'm holding strong!

Last night was an emotional night for me.

1. It was the THIRD night in a row that my husband was unavailable to help me with dinner and the child.

2. It was 93 degrees!

3. Friday is our New Recipe night and I made Chili Cheese Dog Bake. Unfortunately... the recipe said to use a 9x13 pan but there wasn't enough chili to cover the bottom of the pan. I opted for using an 8x8 pan instead and unfortunately... too many sliced hot dogs and the biscuits never baked the whole way through. I found myself on the floor, sweating like a pig and ugly crying.

Hubs texted me to tell me he was on the way home at 7:30p. He's usually home by 5 at the latest and I told him I was miserable and if he didn't have a soda I wanted nothing to do with him... I was joking. Kind of. But he brought me one anyway. It wasn't really worth it, if I'm honest. But I can't un-drink it. I can only work harder today to make up for it.

But... Today we decided to hit a little farm stand that we like to use. We ended up getting a HUGE seedless watermelon, some peaches, blueberries, corn on the cob, red potatoes, 2 lemons and a bag of salted, shelled peanuts.

TB LOVED the blueberries and couldn't seem to eat them fast enough. The Hubs and I each had a peach and I realized I'm not a fan of the fuzzy outside. Once I peeled the outside off it was really yummy. I am also trying out my infusing water bottle. I cut up a lemon into a couple wedges (after I washed the outside just in case) and put it in the fridge. I'm not big on lemon in my water... but I'll try it.

For dinner... we are having the chili dog bake, corn on the cob and watermelon. I can NOT wait! I have been craving watermelon for weeks now. It'll be YUMMY!

And I plan on taking a walk. It's hot and sunny out but it's windy so I am going to use that to my advantage. Hoping to get some walking in as well and I'm still not sure about the jump rope... but we'll see. :D

To be honest... I have a long way to go. People tell you not to look at how far you have to go but at how far you've come and yes, that's true in a sense but sometimes you have to be realistic. I think, in those days that you really struggle to find motivation and inspiration and strength to be better... You have to remember that it didn't all pile on in one day.

I am happy with my progress. I never really believed I could achieve this but it's slowly becoming a reality. I guess... I never really believed in myself. I always feel like I am thin and I always picture myself being small and sexy... but then I sit in that chair it cuts off my circulation in my legs because it's too small. Or that really cute top I bought without trying on in the size I thought I was honestly doesn't fit but I'm too proud to return it. It's denial. I believe you can be big and beautiful and sexy... but every time I look in the mirror I feel sick. Literally, sick. I feel sick at the way my stomach is so big and pouchy. And the way my arm flab just wiggles in the wind. Or the way I look absolutely miserable and unhappy. It sickens me.

For so long I have blamed others for my size. It was easier to make someone else the bad guy and not have to take responsibility for what was going on. The truth is that I have to stand up and accept that this is no longer anyone else's fault but my own. I am in charge of my body. Sure, others can be unhelpful and can be enablers or maybe even sabotagers. They don't shove food in my mouth or sugary drinks down my throat. I have the ability to say no or to say yes and take some of something in moderation.

I look forward to my "Cheat Days". It gives me a chance to let go and enjoy all the things I've denied myself all week. Some people will say that being strict and denying yourself certain things is bad and damaging... but I believe it's all in what works for you. I know if there's soda and pizza, chocolate and ice cream, I'm going to go for that over salad and broiled chicken. That's just me. That's why it's no longer in my house and if it is... It's a special occasion. By not having it around I can't be tempted by it. It allows me to focus on myself and fill myself with good stuff or maybe even better for me but still not entirely great stuff.

It's a struggle. A constant daily battle between what is right and wrong and willpower. On those days that I do really well... I am beyond proud. On the days that I really struggle to maintain my sanity... I pick myself back up and try again.

Because... I am amazing.
  Because I CAN do this.
     Because I WILL do this.

2.08

My goal today was 3 miles but I had a pleasant surprise visit from my mother in law. She happened to be turning onto the road when I was at the corner and asked if I wanted a ride or if that would be cheating. I laughed and said it was cheating and that I'd meet her back at the house. She wasn't really here to see me but to drop off a couple things for my husband and of course, visit with the TB. I totally could have gone more. I was feeling good, even though it was 93 degrees out (Luckily the sun was behind the clouds and there was a bit of a breeze). I even ran about a quarter of a mile. Which I've never done. I can't complain!

I bought a jump rope today. I considered a kid's one but they had these ones with weighted handles and that's what I got. I haven't had a chance to try it... but I can't wait. I haven't jump roped in FOREVER. Maybe tomorrow I'll get some time to try it out.

This past week I dropped another 2lbs. This puts me at 310.2. I can't remember the last time I weighed that or... the last time I weighed that and KNEW it. I am so close to my goal of 299... But I have to get another doctor's note for my next goal of 250. I am kicking ass this summer and I feel great. I actually went to TJ Maxx and tried on a tank top (over my clothes... so I knew it wouldn't fit right) and it actually went on. I couldn't pull it down... but even so. That made my day!

Tomorrow I plan on taking measurements again. I can't find my last two readings... but I know I've dropped a couple inches.

I got this.

Remember.... Life begins at the end of your comfort!

"Just write. If you just write... The words will come out."

If only that was true.

I've been sitting here, staring at the blank screen, that's waiting and begging to be written on and I can only draw a blank. I feel like anything I might have to say... I've already said. That it'll all be lost in space where no one will ever read. Some days, I pray that my writing will inspire someone. That one day someone will say that I touched their lives in ways they never imagined. To touch a single life with compassion... when we're too hard on ourselves... or with humor... when it's been a crappy day and you just need to let loose with a belly laugh. To bring some sunshine into someone's dark world. To fill the empty spaces in their hearts with love and light and joy.

This is my desire but I can't do this for anyone but me. I can't do it to inspire other people. I can't do this to make myself more attractive to my partner, or to be able to have more babies. I can't even do this for my son. I have to do it for me.

And... In doing this for me... I am finding joy in the journey and I need to just enjoy and focus on myself.